[ this time, there's no share of emotions to make things as transparent as possible, and the part of yin yu that is a shy, embarrassed coward is glad for it. it's mostly because hearing flayn say that, for the second time - he was the lucky one, who was still awake when she did - feels so overwhelming that he almost can't take it. it's happiness that floods him, strong enough to nearly knock him off of his feet.
he'd missed flayn so much. not being able to help her, watching her suffer during dimitri's trial had affected him down to his bones. he'd wanted to leap through the screens and shout how obvious her pain was, to every person that was protecting her when clearly that was the last thing she wanted. how few people seemed to know flayn had horrified him, and to know she had been suffering all of that time without him knowing is his greatest regret of this entire camp.
trying wasn't the same as doing. i know you helped her greatly, while she was suffering, shinobu had said. it wasn't enough.
at least for tonight, he can try to start to make up for it. if it's the last night that they can spend together - a thought that he's had more than once - then, at least they can make it a good one. yin yu exhales, turning his head so he can rest his cheek on top of hers, and closes his eyes. ]
...I was going to find you anyway. Would you... [ mmn... okay, some newly gained confidence or not, yin yu's cheeks redden. ] ...would you like to stay?
[...if he hadn't, she'd been planning to invite him back to her cabin. or, perhaps, to one of the other cabins, if stephanie or 45 or guy had been there. not that she wouldn't relish the time spent with more people, but -
if this is the last night they'll have together, she wants to spend it with yin yu.]
[ flayn can probably feel the way he was almost holding his breath waiting for her to answer, like she was going to say no or something. (she wasn't, you stupid boy.) he releases it when she does, the exhale a little closer to relieved than it probably should be, and ends up hiding a smile in her hair. ]
...me too. [ he'd would like that very much. it's been a while; the last night before his death, curled up on the entertainment cabin floor in a heap, had been a restful evening. he's not sure how well he'll sleep tonight - a part of him wants to stay awake as long as he can, just to soak up this little ray of light, just in case it's snuffed out again, tomorrow, but that can come later.
right. okay. there are like, logistics and stuff to this that aren't just holding flayn for the next twelve hours, focus. ] ...Do you need to fetch anything from your cabin? I'll walk you there, if you'd like...
...I probably ought to get something to sleep in, yes.
[alas, she can't ask to borrow his robes. she wouldn't want to cut them up just to put her wings through them - not when she's already cut wingholes into some pajamas from the camp clothing store. it would be a waste.
(even if she does vastly prefer wearing his robes. they're comfortable, so sue her.)
if they're going to walk back to go fetch that, she's going to have to stop hugging him long enough for them to make the trek. still, she doesn't seem at all inclined to step out of his arms, or even to stop holding onto him.
it's like the entertainment all over again, where he'd had to remind her to let go so he could fetch the book.]
[ there's a long moment of silence, where his arms are still around her, a wing still half caging them in. where flayn is still tucked against his chest, holding onto him, too. this is deja vu.
...and what a nice thing, to be able to have deja vu for.
as yin yu waits, he finds himself having to bite back a smile, until he can't really hold it anymore, and yin yu's shoulders start shaking in silent mirth at how utterly ridiculous this is. that they are.
i think we're both idiots, he'd said to yasusada. perhaps that's true. ]
[deja vu, indeed. flayn doesn't let go, and yin yu doesn't let go - but she can't see his face, so she doesn't realize that he's smiling until his shoulders begin to shake with laughter.
she pulls back - not entirely, her arms are still around him - but just enough to see his face.
oh.
they really are both idiots, though she doesn't know he's said so already.]
...neither one of us is terribly good at letting go, are we?
[ which is, in a way, a funny state of being to be in, because if there's anything yin yu's good at, it's getting away. he's quick to escape from any situation where he's uncomfortable, quick to vanish into nothingness and disappear from memory the moment someone turns away. unmemorable, practically made of cellophane.
...until now, he's wanted to run from everything, but even then, it never seemed like he could let things go. it seems his position has reversed, when it comes to flayn. this is growth, probably - but he'll have to run from that realization, and set it aside for another day.
yin yu doesn't notice it, but he's smiling down at her. small and soft, fond from the laughter, his gaze warm, arms still loosely resting at her waist, too. for once, just for once, it's nice to relish in the simple warmth of being happy. ] ...Apparently not.
[ before, they hadn't really had much of a choice in letting go. that's part of what makes tonight an easy choice to stay. ]
[even now that they've pointed it out, they still aren't letting go.
flayn smiles, hopelessly fond, and doesn't pull her arms from around him. she has never been good at letting go, either. she is a person who clings to the memories of the people she's lost, and does her best to make new memories with the people she knows she will lose in the future -
so that, even when they pass on, they will never be lost to the sands of time.
it's why she wants so badly to be able to stay up with yin yu, tonight. she will never, ever forget him, and if this is the last night she'll have with him, she wants to bring as many memories of him with her as she possibly can.]
...it likely would not hurt if I fell asleep in these clothes. [she has, at least, changed into warm, clean clothes since her foray into the lake. and when the snake had healed their injuries - they'd healed her cold, too. she's uninjured and healthy again.] I could simply just... stay.
[ "likely", he mouths, though it's with that same mirthful touch of amusement from his quiet laughter. it's such a flayn thing to say, and he shifts enough at least to look down at her, to make sure that is the case.
...but that's a fair compromise. he nods, the echoes of that smile still remaining on his face, unbelievably fond.
one last night. one 'present moment'. ] If you're sure you'll be comfortable, then I think that sounds just fine to me.
one of the worst things about flayn is that she just says things like that, completely sincerely, not even realizing how they sound. sorry if you die again, yin yu.]
[ listen he may have taken a little bit of a confidence boost, with six weeks of character growth, but yin yu is still yin yu and things like that get him embarrassed. behind him, those rainbow colored feathers puff up like he's been startled, and his cheeks flush with color.
there is no getting used to flayn.
(that is certainly not a bad thing.) ]
...right. I... me too.
[ behind him, a single feather detaches off of his wings and floats to the ground, a little anticlimactically. ]
[the flush of his cheeks aren't all that surprising -
but the puffing up of his wings? that's new. (the wings themselves are new, but she hadn't expected that. her eyes widen at the rustling of his feathers, and she looks between him and his wings, then follows that single feather as it floats to the ground.]
[ ah. well. his face turns a little redder, and he shakes his head, suddenly finding anywhere but flayn's face very interesting. ]
...ah, no, I just -- it's been. It's been a little while since we've been able to... talk...like this, is all.
[ he's got a negative resistance to flayn being directly so sweet, is what it is, really. that may never change, and neither will the way color takes over his entire face with it. yin yu still feels like he needs to explain more, but that's even more embarrassing, and he just kind of gives up and ducks his head down, mumbling-- ] ...I can't control them very well.
maybe she should try to behave. if it's been awhile, and this is startling him - they're not back to square one, exactly, but they're a little bit further back than they were, and she doesn't want to make yin yu uncomfortable. especially if this very well might turn out to be the last night they have together.
when he looks back on these memories, she wants them to bring him joy, not to make him feel awkward.]
I am sorry. [...] I shall try to give you less cause for them to... um, go out of control.
oh no. did he mess this up? she looks - she does not look very happy. yin yu absolutely panics for a second, not entirely sure what to say, because in his absolute worst moments and his best alike he is inherently terrible at getting words out of his mouth so after about five seconds of "what do i do oh no" he just
doesn't put any words out at all. instead, his hands move away from where he's holding her, finally, but it's only to grab her face, hands cupped underneath her jaw, tip it up a little, so he can swoop in and kiss her.
...it doesn't last long, and he's absolutely as red as he was before if not worse when he pulls back. she won't get much time to look at him, either, because he sags a little and ends up pressing his forehead to hers. yin yu's not any less embarrassed and cannot look at her when he finally has some sort of an explanation. what comes out is -]
...It's fine. [ ...it's really fine. really, really fine. that's the best he can do with his words, short of the action of the kiss itself. ] I don't mind. I really don't.
while flayn certainly can't say that she wasn't hoping he would kiss her (because she absolutely was), she wasn't expecting him to, either. so when he does, it absolutely startles her into silence. this time it's her turn to blush red to her ears, and for a few long moments she's just so uselessly happy that her entire brain short-circuits.
when she becomes aware of their surroundings again, his forehead is on hers, and she's smiling so widely that it hurts, and he's speaking. ah.
well, if he doesn't mind...
she shifts, her hands coming up to grip the fabric of his shirt, and tilts her head so that she can get at the right angle to kiss him back with the way he's leaning down. pretty as they are, all his feathers can fall out from shock if it allows them this.]
[ the lack of response at first doesn't quite help, and for a moment the tiny, panicked idiot in the back of yin yu's brain is running around in circles trying to figure out if that was okay, so they're both totally useless.
when he opens his eyes again, just a peek, it's in time to catch that brilliant smile, though. he thinks maybe he should apologize for being just absolutely, utterly horrendous at this, but the minimal stress drains again and his feathers de-puff behind him properly. luckily, yin yu doesn't get much time to continue being an idiot and thinking things like that, either, because then flayn dips underneath him and kisses him again.
wow. yeah. it's not like it's the first time, but every time flayn kisses him it knocks him for a loop. not just the act itself, but the reassurance, the love, the affection - all of those things come through each time, no emotion sharing required, and that's something he'll probably never get used to. the sheer, bewildering, enchanting novelty of being loved will always be a rollercoaster for yin yu, but, in the most positive way possible.
any of the remaining tension in his shoulders utterly melts out of him. his hands stay at flayn's jaw, now more gently cradling her face instead of a panic please-don't-say-that-i'm-just-bad-at-this reaction, and he tilts his head down a little further to make it easier so she doesn't have to crane her neck. the kiss is tender, sweet. lingering, compared to that peck from before, and something in yin yu just utterly settles with it, finally relaxing. ]
[he lingers on the kiss, and she does, too. she doesn't want to be the first to pull away from it.
...but they'll both need to breathe, eventually, so with extreme reluctance, she does break the kiss. she doesn't go far, though; just enough to catch her breath. his hands are still cradling her face, and she's still gripping the front of his shirt.
her cheeks are flushed and she feels a little breathless and giggly. it's like she's walking on air, even though she's... not actually walking anywhere at all.]
...thank you.
[for not only putting up with her gestures of affection, but -
for returning them, too. she knows it's unfamiliar territory for him, knows he finds himself flustered and uncertain, and the fact that he still continues to try, for her, means more to her than she knows how to express with words.]
[ and then dick walked in and interrupted it and yin yu never kissed her again - no
no, there are no interruptions, so he's absolutely, completely fine to just keep kissing her. even their reunion was cut short by necessity, and so this is the first chance they've really had to actually settle in and enjoy each other's company. it's nice to revel in the fact that this can even be done. and sure, it's new territory, but... exploring new territory with flayn of any kind suits him just fine.
kisses until he has to stop to breathe is certainly new, but, yin yu's not complaining. as flayn pulls away, he blinks back to reality, refocusing and letting the details of the world filter back in. cheeks pink as flayn giggles, he smiles, too, too warm and too soft, too big for his face. this happiness is too big for him, really, in the way it seems to wrap around him like a blanket, in the way it squeezes his small, hidden heart back to life. his hands linger against her jaw, still cradling her face like it's the most tender and precious thing in this world.
because flayn is. ]
It feels a bit silly to say you're welcome. [ he comments, quietly amused. ] ...but thank you as well.
[ for putting up with him, for picking him anyway, even if he's not the most affectionate or smooth or really generally the best choice she could have made. that is something he will be thankful for for the rest of his life. ]
[there are choices flayn has made over the course of these past few weeks that flayn regrets, but choosing yin yu - although to her, it doesn't really feel like there was ever a choice to make, because he had become so important to her before she'd even realized what was happening - is not one of them. she will never, ever regret the time she's spent with him.
being at his side for as long as she was able to was half the reason she was able to keep going.
being at his side now gives her the strength to face tomorrow, whatever it is the morning might bring.]
And... thank you, also, for... [her voice trails off. this time, it's not because she can't speak the words - simply because she's not sure how to phrase them.] ...you were there for me, even when I felt like I was alone.
[before he'd died. and also, after his death.]
I have been relying on you more than I know how to express.
[ mm. the more serious change in topic is clear, and it flickers across his expression, just briefly.
shinobu had said the same thing to him, that he was there for flayn when she needed him the most. he hadn't even begun to realize the depths of that, until everything came to light, but even then... he left her when she needed him, too. though he doesn't regret the circumstances of his death all that much, yin yu regretted how much he must have hurt her, leaving her behind. it was a small mercy he didn't awaken until after the trial was completed (and after the execution, too) but watching her suffer the week after was brutal, too. he wasn't there.
for a moment, he searches her face, hands still gently cupping her jaw, before he pulls away, and glances back. he had always slept on the bottom bunk, and it seems it had gone untouched since his death, so. ] ...Let's sit down.
[ a quiet suggestion, as he waits for her to agree, and stays close by if they move. he's tall enough that he'll probably have to sit on the floor instead of the bed so he doesn't smack his head into something, but he doesn't want to be far from her for this conversation, either, so. (or at all, really, but that's a whole other story.)
he does end up folding down to sit on the floor instead of on the bed, leaning back against it. the wings make it a little awkward, and he has to stretch them out so they don't smash up against the frame of the bunk bed, but flayn is welcome to sit wherever she likes.
it's only when they're both sitting and comfortable, wherever that might be, that he speaks to her thanks properly. ] ...I wish that I had been able to do more for you, but I'm glad I was able to help at least a little. You were unable to speak about it all, weren't you...?
[predictably, perhaps, she doesn't take the bed. instead, she settles herself on the ground, as close to yin yu's side as their wings will allow. for the first time, she finds herself wishing the wings were gone - she doesn't particularly dislike them, but she's not pleased with them getting in the way of getting close to him.]
No matter how I tried, I was unable to say a word. [...] And I did try.
[there are, perhaps, some who will think that she did not try hard enough - but the fact is, coming outright and saying anything about it was simply impossible. even trying to hint, if it was obvious enough, was impossible.]
I never realized how important it was to be able to speak freely, before this. Certainly, there were things that I have chosen not to say, in the past... [her, uh, her whole "i'm an immortal dragon" thing being one of them] ...but there was never anything preventing me from speaking them, should I have chosen to.
[ maybe predictable to her, but for him, it's a surprise. it shouldn't be--but as always flayn's simple gestures of affection are still novel and probably will be until the end of time. as ever, he tries to adjust for her comfort, carefully lifting one of those brightly feathered wings up so it spills onto the bed and away from flayn, so she can tuck closer to him, if she wants to.
it resonates with him, and yin yu sets his hand down between them, spreading his fingers if she'd like to take it. the natural easiness of such a gesture makes it all the more comforting, maybe for both of them. he's come to rely on this gesture, too.
take a deep breath. in, out, a heart as still as water. he'd slowly stopped hiding what he did on the island, starting to admit to it more often after his death, but there was one person who he needlessly kept it secret from. he had been terrified, that flayn would hate him if he knew, that she'd think differently of him, because he knows that he's not a good person, that he's a liar and a coward, but in the end, it had turned out that they just had something else in common. (only flayn's -- hers was so much worse, so much crueler.) the only block that keeps him from talking is the one he'd put there himself, now. ]
...It was the same for me. [ his hand squeezes, gently, in hers. empathy, sorrow. guilt. ] I did not doubt that you would have told, were you able to. Not for a moment.
[as ever, she doesn't hesitate to take his hand, or to intertwine their fingers. holding onto yin yu is as natural to her as breathing.]
...it must have been terrifying.
[on the island, she means. she squeezes his hand back.]
To become aware of it, and to have not been able to stop it...
[not being able to speak of what she'd been doing. but at least she had been in full control of her own actions the whole time. to not be able to resist the compulsion to kill, and then to not even be able to say i didn't want to do it, but i did afterwards... that's worse, she thinks.]
I am so sorry that you had to go through something like that.
...It's alright. [ he wishes, for her sake, that he had been chosen again.
if there had been a way to change their fates - to make it that he could convince veronica to choose him - he would have done it in a heartbeat. every moment of pain and guilt he's felt since killing wen ning was nothing in the face of what flayn had to suffer. the choices she was forced to make, the choices that were stolen from her.
his thumb strokes slowly over the top of her hand, as he talks, letting it be grounding. they're here. after everything that happened, the two of them are here. alive. healed. together.
here. ]
...I am sorry that I couldn't tell you before. Once we left, I was able to talk about it, but I didn't want you to think - [ ...mn.
he gives her hand another squeeze, small. flayn means the world to him, more than he can properly say in words. the thought of losing this warmth and affection was terrifying, and he'd been too afraid to say anything.
...but flayn had already seen his worst, and accepted it. why wouldn't she have accepted this, too? he's realizing it now, and his conversation with yasusada floats unbidden into his head. we're both idiots. they really, really were, but he was by far the worse offender.
his expression twists, just a little bitter. the self loathing slips in, quiet, dark, wrapping around him like a vice, and he speaks quietly, looking down at the ground. ] More than anything, I am sorry that you had to, and I am sorry that I couldn't see the hints you were leaving sooner. I wrote my card to you on Saturday; that was when I knew. It... was obvious that you had participated on Saturday. [ a pause. quietly. ] ...at least it was, to me.
[ it shifts, from self deprecation to a sorrow. his other hand comes over too, to gently cover theirs. an anchor to reality, maybe, a want to apologize. to protect. ]
...But it is shameful, that I didn't, and that I wasn't paying attention enough to see how much pain you were in. I am so sorry, Flayn.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
fishingforcompliments) wrote2020-06-06 12:53 pm
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he'd missed flayn so much. not being able to help her, watching her suffer during dimitri's trial had affected him down to his bones. he'd wanted to leap through the screens and shout how obvious her pain was, to every person that was protecting her when clearly that was the last thing she wanted. how few people seemed to know flayn had horrified him, and to know she had been suffering all of that time without him knowing is his greatest regret of this entire camp.
trying wasn't the same as doing. i know you helped her greatly, while she was suffering, shinobu had said. it wasn't enough.
at least for tonight, he can try to start to make up for it. if it's the last night that they can spend together - a thought that he's had more than once - then, at least they can make it a good one. yin yu exhales, turning his head so he can rest his cheek on top of hers, and closes his eyes. ]
...I was going to find you anyway. Would you... [ mmn... okay, some newly gained confidence or not, yin yu's cheeks redden. ] ...would you like to stay?
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[...if he hadn't, she'd been planning to invite him back to her cabin. or, perhaps, to one of the other cabins, if stephanie or 45 or guy had been there. not that she wouldn't relish the time spent with more people, but -
if this is the last night they'll have together, she wants to spend it with yin yu.]
...I would like that. Very much.
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...me too. [ he'd would like that very much. it's been a while; the last night before his death, curled up on the entertainment cabin floor in a heap, had been a restful evening. he's not sure how well he'll sleep tonight - a part of him wants to stay awake as long as he can, just to soak up this little ray of light, just in case it's snuffed out again, tomorrow, but that can come later.
right. okay. there are like, logistics and stuff to this that aren't just holding flayn for the next twelve hours, focus. ] ...Do you need to fetch anything from your cabin? I'll walk you there, if you'd like...
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[alas, she can't ask to borrow his robes. she wouldn't want to cut them up just to put her wings through them - not when she's already cut wingholes into some pajamas from the camp clothing store. it would be a waste.
(even if she does vastly prefer wearing his robes. they're comfortable, so sue her.)
if they're going to walk back to go fetch that, she's going to have to stop hugging him long enough for them to make the trek. still, she doesn't seem at all inclined to step out of his arms, or even to stop holding onto him.
it's like the entertainment all over again, where he'd had to remind her to let go so he could fetch the book.]
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...and what a nice thing, to be able to have deja vu for.
as yin yu waits, he finds himself having to bite back a smile, until he can't really hold it anymore, and yin yu's shoulders start shaking in silent mirth at how utterly ridiculous this is. that they are.
i think we're both idiots, he'd said to yasusada. perhaps that's true. ]
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she pulls back - not entirely, her arms are still around him - but just enough to see his face.
oh.
they really are both idiots, though she doesn't know he's said so already.]
...neither one of us is terribly good at letting go, are we?
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...until now, he's wanted to run from everything, but even then, it never seemed like he could let things go. it seems his position has reversed, when it comes to flayn. this is growth, probably - but he'll have to run from that realization, and set it aside for another day.
yin yu doesn't notice it, but he's smiling down at her. small and soft, fond from the laughter, his gaze warm, arms still loosely resting at her waist, too. for once, just for once, it's nice to relish in the simple warmth of being happy. ] ...Apparently not.
[ before, they hadn't really had much of a choice in letting go. that's part of what makes tonight an easy choice to stay. ]
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flayn smiles, hopelessly fond, and doesn't pull her arms from around him. she has never been good at letting go, either. she is a person who clings to the memories of the people she's lost, and does her best to make new memories with the people she knows she will lose in the future -
so that, even when they pass on, they will never be lost to the sands of time.
it's why she wants so badly to be able to stay up with yin yu, tonight. she will never, ever forget him, and if this is the last night she'll have with him, she wants to bring as many memories of him with her as she possibly can.]
...it likely would not hurt if I fell asleep in these clothes. [she has, at least, changed into warm, clean clothes since her foray into the lake. and when the snake had healed their injuries - they'd healed her cold, too. she's uninjured and healthy again.] I could simply just... stay.
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...but that's a fair compromise. he nods, the echoes of that smile still remaining on his face, unbelievably fond.
one last night. one 'present moment'. ] If you're sure you'll be comfortable, then I think that sounds just fine to me.
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[
one of the worst things about flayn is that she just says things like that, completely sincerely, not even realizing how they sound. sorry if you die again, yin yu.]
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there is no getting used to flayn.
(that is certainly not a bad thing.) ]
...right. I... me too.
[ behind him, a single feather detaches off of his wings and floats to the ground, a little anticlimactically. ]
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but the puffing up of his wings? that's new. (the wings themselves are new, but she hadn't expected that. her eyes widen at the rustling of his feathers, and she looks between him and his wings, then follows that single feather as it floats to the ground.]
Um.
[...]
Did... I say something wrong?
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...ah, no, I just -- it's been. It's been a little while since we've been able to... talk...like this, is all.
[ he's got a negative resistance to flayn being directly so sweet, is what it is, really. that may never change, and neither will the way color takes over his entire face with it. yin yu still feels like he needs to explain more, but that's even more embarrassing, and he just kind of gives up and ducks his head down, mumbling-- ] ...I can't control them very well.
[ the. wings. that is. he's dying again. ]
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maybe she should try to behave. if it's been awhile, and this is startling him - they're not back to square one, exactly, but they're a little bit further back than they were, and she doesn't want to make yin yu uncomfortable. especially if this very well might turn out to be the last night they have together.
when he looks back on these memories, she wants them to bring him joy, not to make him feel awkward.]
I am sorry. [...] I shall try to give you less cause for them to... um, go out of control.
[she'll behave.]
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oh no. did he mess this up? she looks - she does not look very happy. yin yu absolutely panics for a second, not entirely sure what to say, because in his absolute worst moments and his best alike he is inherently terrible at getting words out of his mouth so after about five seconds of "what do i do oh no" he just
doesn't put any words out at all. instead, his hands move away from where he's holding her, finally, but it's only to grab her face, hands cupped underneath her jaw, tip it up a little, so he can swoop in and kiss her.
...it doesn't last long, and he's absolutely as red as he was before if not worse when he pulls back. she won't get much time to look at him, either, because he sags a little and ends up pressing his forehead to hers. yin yu's not any less embarrassed and cannot look at her when he finally has some sort of an explanation. what comes out is -]
...It's fine. [ ...it's really fine. really, really fine. that's the best he can do with his words, short of the action of the kiss itself. ] I don't mind. I really don't.
[ there.
(aaaaa) ]
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well!
while flayn certainly can't say that she wasn't hoping he would kiss her (because she absolutely was), she wasn't expecting him to, either. so when he does, it absolutely startles her into silence. this time it's her turn to blush red to her ears, and for a few long moments she's just so uselessly happy that her entire brain short-circuits.
when she becomes aware of their surroundings again, his forehead is on hers, and she's smiling so widely that it hurts, and he's speaking. ah.
well, if he doesn't mind...
she shifts, her hands coming up to grip the fabric of his shirt, and tilts her head so that she can get at the right angle to kiss him back with the way he's leaning down. pretty as they are, all his feathers can fall out from shock if it allows them this.]
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when he opens his eyes again, just a peek, it's in time to catch that brilliant smile, though. he thinks maybe he should apologize for being just absolutely, utterly horrendous at this, but the minimal stress drains again and his feathers de-puff behind him properly. luckily, yin yu doesn't get much time to continue being an idiot and thinking things like that, either, because then flayn dips underneath him and kisses him again.
wow. yeah. it's not like it's the first time, but every time flayn kisses him it knocks him for a loop. not just the act itself, but the reassurance, the love, the affection - all of those things come through each time, no emotion sharing required, and that's something he'll probably never get used to. the sheer, bewildering, enchanting novelty of being loved will always be a rollercoaster for yin yu, but, in the most positive way possible.
any of the remaining tension in his shoulders utterly melts out of him. his hands stay at flayn's jaw, now more gently cradling her face instead of a panic please-don't-say-that-i'm-just-bad-at-this reaction, and he tilts his head down a little further to make it easier so she doesn't have to crane her neck. the kiss is tender, sweet. lingering, compared to that peck from before, and something in yin yu just utterly settles with it, finally relaxing. ]
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...but they'll both need to breathe, eventually, so with extreme reluctance, she does break the kiss. she doesn't go far, though; just enough to catch her breath. his hands are still cradling her face, and she's still gripping the front of his shirt.
her cheeks are flushed and she feels a little breathless and giggly. it's like she's walking on air, even though she's... not actually walking anywhere at all.]
...thank you.
[for not only putting up with her gestures of affection, but -
for returning them, too. she knows it's unfamiliar territory for him, knows he finds himself flustered and uncertain, and the fact that he still continues to try, for her, means more to her than she knows how to express with words.]
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no, there are no interruptions, so he's absolutely, completely fine to just keep kissing her. even their reunion was cut short by necessity, and so this is the first chance they've really had to actually settle in and enjoy each other's company. it's nice to revel in the fact that this can even be done. and sure, it's new territory, but... exploring new territory with flayn of any kind suits him just fine.
kisses until he has to stop to breathe is certainly new, but, yin yu's not complaining. as flayn pulls away, he blinks back to reality, refocusing and letting the details of the world filter back in. cheeks pink as flayn giggles, he smiles, too, too warm and too soft, too big for his face. this happiness is too big for him, really, in the way it seems to wrap around him like a blanket, in the way it squeezes his small, hidden heart back to life. his hands linger against her jaw, still cradling her face like it's the most tender and precious thing in this world.
because flayn is. ]
It feels a bit silly to say you're welcome. [ he comments, quietly amused. ] ...but thank you as well.
[ for putting up with him, for picking him anyway, even if he's not the most affectionate or smooth or really generally the best choice she could have made. that is something he will be thankful for for the rest of his life. ]
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...you are welcome, too.
[there are choices flayn has made over the course of these past few weeks that flayn regrets, but choosing yin yu - although to her, it doesn't really feel like there was ever a choice to make, because he had become so important to her before she'd even realized what was happening - is not one of them. she will never, ever regret the time she's spent with him.
being at his side for as long as she was able to was half the reason she was able to keep going.
being at his side now gives her the strength to face tomorrow, whatever it is the morning might bring.]
And... thank you, also, for... [her voice trails off. this time, it's not because she can't speak the words - simply because she's not sure how to phrase them.] ...you were there for me, even when I felt like I was alone.
[before he'd died. and also, after his death.]
I have been relying on you more than I know how to express.
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shinobu had said the same thing to him, that he was there for flayn when she needed him the most. he hadn't even begun to realize the depths of that, until everything came to light, but even then... he left her when she needed him, too. though he doesn't regret the circumstances of his death all that much, yin yu regretted how much he must have hurt her, leaving her behind. it was a small mercy he didn't awaken until after the trial was completed (and after the execution, too) but watching her suffer the week after was brutal, too. he wasn't there.
for a moment, he searches her face, hands still gently cupping her jaw, before he pulls away, and glances back. he had always slept on the bottom bunk, and it seems it had gone untouched since his death, so. ] ...Let's sit down.
[ a quiet suggestion, as he waits for her to agree, and stays close by if they move. he's tall enough that he'll probably have to sit on the floor instead of the bed so he doesn't smack his head into something, but he doesn't want to be far from her for this conversation, either, so. (or at all, really, but that's a whole other story.)
he does end up folding down to sit on the floor instead of on the bed, leaning back against it. the wings make it a little awkward, and he has to stretch them out so they don't smash up against the frame of the bunk bed, but flayn is welcome to sit wherever she likes.
it's only when they're both sitting and comfortable, wherever that might be, that he speaks to her thanks properly. ] ...I wish that I had been able to do more for you, but I'm glad I was able to help at least a little. You were unable to speak about it all, weren't you...?
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No matter how I tried, I was unable to say a word. [...] And I did try.
[there are, perhaps, some who will think that she did not try hard enough - but the fact is, coming outright and saying anything about it was simply impossible. even trying to hint, if it was obvious enough, was impossible.]
I never realized how important it was to be able to speak freely, before this. Certainly, there were things that I have chosen not to say, in the past... [her, uh, her whole "i'm an immortal dragon" thing being one of them] ...but there was never anything preventing me from speaking them, should I have chosen to.
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it resonates with him, and yin yu sets his hand down between them, spreading his fingers if she'd like to take it. the natural easiness of such a gesture makes it all the more comforting, maybe for both of them. he's come to rely on this gesture, too.
take a deep breath. in, out, a heart as still as water. he'd slowly stopped hiding what he did on the island, starting to admit to it more often after his death, but there was one person who he needlessly kept it secret from. he had been terrified, that flayn would hate him if he knew, that she'd think differently of him, because he knows that he's not a good person, that he's a liar and a coward, but in the end, it had turned out that they just had something else in common. (only flayn's -- hers was so much worse, so much crueler.) the only block that keeps him from talking is the one he'd put there himself, now. ]
...It was the same for me. [ his hand squeezes, gently, in hers. empathy, sorrow. guilt. ] I did not doubt that you would have told, were you able to. Not for a moment.
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...it must have been terrifying.
[on the island, she means. she squeezes his hand back.]
To become aware of it, and to have not been able to stop it...
[not being able to speak of what she'd been doing. but at least she had been in full control of her own actions the whole time. to not be able to resist the compulsion to kill, and then to not even be able to say i didn't want to do it, but i did afterwards... that's worse, she thinks.]
I am so sorry that you had to go through something like that.
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if there had been a way to change their fates - to make it that he could convince veronica to choose him - he would have done it in a heartbeat. every moment of pain and guilt he's felt since killing wen ning was nothing in the face of what flayn had to suffer. the choices she was forced to make, the choices that were stolen from her.
his thumb strokes slowly over the top of her hand, as he talks, letting it be grounding. they're here. after everything that happened, the two of them are here. alive. healed. together.
here. ]
...I am sorry that I couldn't tell you before. Once we left, I was able to talk about it, but I didn't want you to think - [ ...mn.
he gives her hand another squeeze, small. flayn means the world to him, more than he can properly say in words. the thought of losing this warmth and affection was terrifying, and he'd been too afraid to say anything.
...but flayn had already seen his worst, and accepted it. why wouldn't she have accepted this, too? he's realizing it now, and his conversation with yasusada floats unbidden into his head. we're both idiots. they really, really were, but he was by far the worse offender.
his expression twists, just a little bitter. the self loathing slips in, quiet, dark, wrapping around him like a vice, and he speaks quietly, looking down at the ground. ] More than anything, I am sorry that you had to, and I am sorry that I couldn't see the hints you were leaving sooner. I wrote my card to you on Saturday; that was when I knew. It... was obvious that you had participated on Saturday. [ a pause. quietly. ] ...at least it was, to me.
[ it shifts, from self deprecation to a sorrow. his other hand comes over too, to gently cover theirs. an anchor to reality, maybe, a want to apologize. to protect. ]
...But it is shameful, that I didn't, and that I wasn't paying attention enough to see how much pain you were in. I am so sorry, Flayn.
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DW? MY NOTIFS?
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