there really are so many things to say here - but flayn doesn't know quite which words to use, either. thank you certainly doesn't quite feel like enough to encompass just how grateful she is that he isn't going to leave. that, tonight at least, they can stay together.
tomorrow, they will part ways, but tonight -
tonight they can stay here.
she kisses his cheek, hopelessly in love with him, and allows herself to live fully in the present moment, for now.]
[ can't believe the "this is our last night together" setup and they're going to hold hands and kiss cheeks all night, terrible
the gesture is soft and sweet, and he closes his eyes, for a moment, mouth curling up in a small smile. flayn isn't the only one hopeless. what a strange, wonderful feeling, to be known, to be loved.
the small, pragmatic, cynical part of him worries that it will end, even if they do survive tomorrow. all he can do is give her his dice, and hope maybe... maybe she'll remember. he wants it. so, so badly, he wants her to, wants to hold onto this sweetness and light for what it is. in the end, yin yu's not just a servant, or a retainer, or a masked officer, or a no one - he's a human being. a real person, not a ghost, no matter how hard he tried to convince the world otherwise.
the wing wrapped around her back squeezes, the feathers ruffling gently. for a moment, he falls silent, content with their present moment, but, with the dragon horns of flayn's so close in his eyesight, it does bring something else to mind. ]
...I am not one for superstition, or charms, or anything of the sort, but, there's a saying... "lóng fèng chéng xiáng--" [ who knows how they can all understand each other, really, but the intent of saying it in the correct language comes through. ] - That is, that the dragon and phoenix together bring good fortune, and prosperity.
[ it feels very embarrassing to say this, for some reason. too cheesy, maybe. his cheeks pinken, a little, and he stares down at their hands. ] ...so perhaps we will be lucky, after all.
[if yin yu wants to bang in a bunk bed while they've both got wings he's welcome to try? though that would probably be kind of uncomfortable, huh! cucked by furry week. and also by the fact that he's terribly repressed.
anyway. flayn pays close attention to what he's saying - it's hard for her not to tune in to the sound of his voice, when he speaks. she repeats the saying to herself, very softly.]
Lóng fèng chéng xiáng...?
[wow, she hopes she pronounced that right.]
I hope that we shall be. But, the truth is... [no matter what tomorrow might bring them...] ...you came back to me. I already feel very fortunate.
[she squeezes his hand.]
I am hoping for the best for tomorrow. But... I wish I knew how to make it clear just how much it means to me that we can be together right now.
[this is, like, the one time she wishes it was still emotionshare week.]
[ first of all bold of you to assume he has even thought about these things! especially the banging part!!
he honestly doesn't sound much better pronouncing fódlan anyway, but it sounded good to him. yin yu nods, feeling his heart squeeze again at you came back to me. sometimes, it still blows his mind that anyone remembered him at all.
let alone that someone could love him. that someone could be happy to be with him. it's absolutely wild, and hearing flayn say that makes a little part of him wish the emotion share was back, too. it had been so much easier than, to let flayn know how much every tiny gesture meant to him. even just the fact that she sought him out, or waved hello, or came to his side in a crowded camp, meant the world. bigger things, biggest gestures, bigger emotions - they're impossible to describe, and leave him red faced and stumbling at the sheer overwhelming warmth that fills him up from head to toe.
yin yu ducks his head to hide his smile, small as it is, and an embarrassed laugh escapes him. ] If it's as much to you as it is to me, then it must be overwhelming.
[ happy. he's just really happy, too. that doesn't mean he'll stop worrying, or that he's not preparing mentally for what's to come, but in this present moment, it's really, really nice to be happy. there's no place he'd rather be. ]
when flayn had been given her role and told that she would have to kill, she had been prepared to withdraw from those she was close to. or at least - she'd thought she was. but it hadn't been easy to turn away from him, and he'd said it -
forgive me for saying so, but... there's been nowhere else I would want to be.
by allowing her to help him, he'd helped her in turn. he had made her feel like there was something she could do for him - for anyone - other than hurt them. like there was something she was good for other than cultivating suffering (which had been the point all along, hadn't it? for them to suffer enough for the snake to be born?).
so to know that she had, in some small way, actually made a difference... that she actually did manage to make him happy, happy enough for him to want to come back, to keep going, to not give up--
overwhelming. flayn's kindness had been confusing at first, strange at first. welcome, but deflected, set quietly to the side as a novelty. but it just kept happening, over, and over. no matter how far he ran. no matter how awkward, or quiet, or unnoticeable he was, flayn always seemed to find him. holding her hand had become such a natural tether, because he'd felt like she needed it first, and then...when he did, it became easy to ask for it, too. maybe not in so many words, but similarly, he was able to allow himself a little bit of that warmth, because it had been helping flayn. that much let her find her way in.
and it's so much. sometimes, he wanted to hide away from it, shy away from the light that shone on him, but shyly, more and more, he learned to bask in it a little, too. overwhelming, but really, really good.
yin yu exhales on a laugh, not so much nerves or anticipation as butterflies, and gently squeezes her hand. ] Very much so.
...I know that I'm not particularly good at this - you said that it was enough it was me, but, I. [ mnnn. he tilts his head to peek at her, a little, still red, still shy. ] ...but I want to be a better me, too. In a lot of ways.
I'll do my best with that, too, in times of peace as much as I have done my best in these times of strife. [ but he wants to be someone worthy of flayn, and he wants to be someone who will make her happy. who will keep her feeling good overwhelmed, who can protect her, who can fight alongside her, too. even as this draws to a close - if they don't all die tomorrow. ]
[when it comes down to it, they had both needed each other - and they had both, in some way, needed to be needed. it's possible that it was just chance, that their needs had aligned in such a way, but -
if it was just luck, flayn is grateful for it. it's the best luck she could have had.]
I want to see that. Do not get me wrong, I think you are wonderful already. I love you just as you are. [she squeezes his hand in return and looks up at him with a smile.] ...but I want to see you be happier with who you are. If I can be there by your side when that happens, if I can... help you to be happier, in any way, then... so much the better.
has anyone, in his entire life, loved him as he is? has even been worth such a thing? mediocre, boring, practically see-through yin yu, who has done nothing of worth in his entire life, worthy of someone's love, just the way he is. it is such a bafflingly bizarre thought that if you told him nine or so weeks ago this would end this way, he might have laughed.
yin yu would do anything for that smile of hers, too. no duty, no obligation. the fact that it's directed at him floods warmth through him, that makes his heart squeeze hard in his chest.
it is his turn to bring their hands up, to press a gentle kiss to her knuckles. ] You have already done so much. [ yin yu doesn't know how to make her understand the gravity of such simple acts of warmth and kindness: of how much she really has changed his life. there were others, but flayn was the one who set him on the path in the first place.
he lingers there for a moment, still holding her hand. ] To say you have my gratitude is barely scratching the surface.
[flayn's cheeks flush as he kisses her knuckles. that's... oh. having the gesture turned around on her makes her a little flustered.
(but that won't stop her from doing it to him again, later.)]
I... [she doesn't really understand it, not yet. to her, yin yu has always been a wonderful person. someone worth reaching out to - someone worth loving. she'd never once thought that he might not be.
even after seeing his worst moments, in his memory... if anything, it had only made her care for him more. it's easy to be kind when you've never known suffering; it's much harder to be kind when there's been so much sorrow heaped onto you that you don't know what to do with it.
but even though he hasn't seen himself that way - he's always been endlessly kind. he's always done what he can to try and make things easier for others, to serve others, and--
that's remarkable. so many people who suffer lash out at others, instead, and they don't feel bad about it afterwards.]
...it has never been your gratitude that I did any of it for. I simply... wanted to be close to you. I am grateful that you allowed me to be.
[ not for the first time, he thinks about last saturday - about how people refused to accept flayn as a possible candidate for a crime she had obviously committed, whether she wanted to or not. it had been so frustrating, watching her suffer, and realizing that no one really seemed to understand her, at all. maybe it was his carefully observant nature - and sure, that played a part - but, more likely, maybe it was the fact that flayn just let him in.
he knows how it feels to be in a crowd of people, and still feel completely alone. the heavens taught him that cruel lesson very, very quickly. flayn was the kind of person you just wanted to spend time around, but how many people actually, really, knew who she was? how lucky was he, to be the person to get to know her?
as he lets their hands come back down, yin yu gives them a small squeeze. it's present, grounding. he's here.
....he's here, isn't he. ] ... thank you, for not letting me run away, then. [ because if flayn hadn't been so patient, hadn't kept reaching out to him, he just might have. this might have never happened at all. ]
You are thanking me for being stubborn, you realize.
[because she had been. stubborn, that is. it would, perhaps, have been more polite to leave him to his own devices (though she'd never tried to be outright rude), but... she hadn't felt as though she could do that.
so she'd chased after him, whether he had wanted her to at the time or not.
she's smiling, though; stubbornness may not be the best trait to have, objectively speaking, but it had certainly worked out well enough for the two of them.]
[ that gets a little laugh out of him, a surprised, amused noise, and he nods. ]
You are very stubborn. [ about a lot of things. like running headfirst into break-ins. like confronting danger, even de-powered, because of her moral compass. like even wanting to do things, actively, when she was severely injured.
like chasing after a stranger in a mask and dragging him into being social, like seeing him, time after time, when no one else did.
his thumb strokes over the side of her hand, and he's smiling, too. ] ...but I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. [ a beat. ] Usually.
[...no, she knows exactly why he's saying "usually". her stubbornness had gotten her injured on more than one occasion, and on more than one occasion, he'd had to help her out of it.
it had brought them closer, though, hadn't it? flayn truly does not like pain, but if avoiding pain would have meant not being able to have come this far with yin yu, then if would have chosen to walk the exact same path she had, over and over again.]
En. [ he confirms, and there's a little bit of a tease to his voice, warm, amused. usually, it's quite fine. the other times, it's going to give yin yu gray hair. but, that's part of why he's glad to have returned to her side. he can help protect her, if it's necessary, once more. (even today, he had to keep an eye on her because of said stubbornness, so saying 'usually' is the exact correct diagnosis.) ]
I don't mind. [ even if it does stress him out sometimes... ] I do quite admire your courage, Flayn.
[ yin yu certainly doesn't see himself as a courageous person, so. ]
not something she is told very often. she blinks up at him for few long moments, stunned into silence.
in fódlan, saint cethleann is praised for her kindness, gentleness, and beauty. she's known as a miraculous healer who wanted peace in the world, and is known as someone who worked alongside seiros and the other three saints, but generally, they remember that she tended to the wounded, and not that she was there in the thick of most battles. it is her father, her uncles, and her aunt who have been renowned as warriors (and a tactician) in history's eyes.
but in her way, she's fought, too. she's struggled against her fears and faced them regardless.
yin yu has seen that, the same way he's seen her, here, in this place.
not quite sure what to say, she hugs him tightly and buries her face in his shoulder.]
[ for a moment, he thinks he might have said something wrong. when flayn pulls back to blink at him, he looks down, a little surprised, too, and then, concerned. a little anxious, even.
...but it's true. yin yu has never thought of flayn as anything less than courageous, can't imagine why anyone would think otherwise. maybe it isn't killing monsters all day like he does for hua cheng, but the kind of personal strength that flayn has is something that yin yu admires so much. he is not a courageous person, in that sense. after all, it took him until this weekend to admit what he'd done to wen ning to her, because he'd been so scared - while flayn stood in front of everyone, the listening dead included, and told the entire world what she had done. she walked up to ogata and took his anger. she confronted and tried to talk to the snake monster. over, and over, over.
yin yu thinks flayn is amazing, for more reasons than one. she is the kind of person he has always tried - and failed - at being.
...still, when she hugs him, it's relieving. flayn'll feel him sag a little, before he hugs her back, arms coming up around her easily, giving a squeeze. ] Of course... [ and when he trails off, yin yu sounds a little confused, but, relieved, too. ] It is only the truth.
[flayn doesn't really regard any of those things as courageous - rather, she's viewed them as the very least she could possibly do.
she's never been good with secrets. some, back home, she's had to keep out of necessity (although she hasn't kept them particularly well), but keeping them had never truly harmed anyone. the secrets kept here in the camp, though - those had harmed everyone. the victims had suffered in their deaths, the scapegoats had suffered by paying the price for crimes they hadn't committed, and the living had suffered the agony of not knowing where they had gone wrong.
it's true that it was magic of some kind that had silenced her, but the decisions she'd made had played a part in the hurt, as well. the people who had been hurt deserved to know the truth of what had happened, so they could decide how to proceed. it's why what had been said was said publicly, as well, so that the dead could also hear it - with no way to say it face to face unless they were killed, they'd had to resort to speaking in an area that they knew the dead could see.
when she thought about it that way, how could she have done it any differently? she'd been terrified to lose the affections of people she'd come to care for, but her feelings had never been what had mattered, there; what had mattered was that those who had been wronged had all the information so they could make an informed decision about how to proceed. to her, courage hadn't really had anything to do with it.
...but it warms her heart to hear yin yu say it. he'd been one of the people whose affections she had been most afraid of losing, after all. it feels like a miracle that he's still willing to be here with her, after all that. she relaxes further as his arms come around her, and breathes out.
maybe this will all turn out okay, after all.]
You are very kind.
[her voice is muffled in his shoulder, because she hasn't raised her head. oh well.]
[ it's good to feel flayn relax further against him. it's good to feel like he can finally do something, even if it's not much - it doesn't feel like enough. but short of turning back the hands of time and begging veronica to switch their places, there's nothing he really can do besides be supportive.
but then, flayn says - you are very kind.
all yin yu has ever wanted is to be a kind, good person. he's not extraordinary at anything. he's not really terrible at many things, either, but he's never done anything to stand out. a persistent amount of hard work, sure, but ultimately, that hard work meant nothing in the real world, in the heavens. and he knows that, so deeply aware of his own mediocrity that it's his greatest strength and his greatest weakness at the same time. so, maybe if he can't be a martial god, if he can't be great, if he can't be notable, even, maybe he could just be kind.
but is he?
time and time again, he thinks of yizhen. his face, confused like a lost puppy dog, staring up at him for answers in the heavens, and what had yin yu given him? nearly his own death - cruelty, at a time when they both needed kindness. what has he done since? he's only run. that's who awaits him back home, quan yizhen, who found him, and he still -- even after everything that happens here, he still wants to run. would a kind person still run like a coward? would a kind person not have an apology, an explanation, something, that yizhen deserves from him?
he still can't find the kindness in his heart that flayn says he has, because yin yu knows deep down that he is not only plain, presenceless, and mediocre... but he's cruel, too.
he goes quiet for a moment before he responds, closing his eyes where she can't see him. the old, tired sorrow leaks in, steals around the corners and snatches at the tiny gasps of happiness, like it always, always has. ] ...that's very kind of you to say.
[god she's going to fight him. but, like, metaphorically.]
It is only the truth.
[that, at least, flayn believes wholeheartedly.
she knows what happened in the past, with yizhen. she doesn't know what he's going to do about him, in the future - frankly, she's not sure even yin yu knows that. it's a complicated situation, and it's one that will only be resolved when they're face to face with each other, whenever that might be.
his actions aren't only kind, but yin yu is a kind person. even kind people can be pushed to their limits, though - a cruel act doesn't make someone not kind. the circumstances matter.
hadn't he been telling her the same thing?
the way he goes quiet, and the way he says the words, have her lifting her head from his shoulder.
after a moment, she strains up to press a kiss to his cheek.]
...but we do not have to talk about it further, if you would rather not.
[ there's a small part of yin yu that would give almost anything to see the person that flayn sees when he looks in the mirror. that yin yu is a stranger to him, in so many ways - maybe closer now than ever before, but a stranger nonetheless. he's learned a lot about himself over the past few weeks here, harsh, painful realities and softer ones, too, but unlearning centuries of hating himself does not come overnight.
he's troubled, and it's a little more obvious when flayn lifts her head, but the soft press of lips to his cheek makes his heart swell, nonetheless. maybe he can't believe such things to be true without dismissing them, but, maybe they'll come in time. love did, after all - believing he was even a little close to worth that is a start.
"if you say so" - he doesn't want to respond that way. he's not sure what to say, and flayn's soft comment makes him feel a rush of gratitude, not for the first time, not for the last. in the end, he's still a coward.
but. he exhales. ]
...in the present moment. [ is eventually what yin yu decides on, turning his head to look at her properly, tucked against his side, a little, almost hesitant smile on his face. ] ...Right?
[the past is the past; it's over and done with. the future is the future; whatever may come then will be dealt with in due time. but the present is the moment that they are living in, and all that can be asked of them is for them to do the best with what they have.
it's easier for her to believe it, when she's trying to convince someone else. it's harder to apply it to herself.
still, she smiles up at him and gives his hand a light squeeze.]
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fishingforcompliments) wrote2020-06-06 12:53 pm
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there really are so many things to say here - but flayn doesn't know quite which words to use, either. thank you certainly doesn't quite feel like enough to encompass just how grateful she is that he isn't going to leave. that, tonight at least, they can stay together.
tomorrow, they will part ways, but tonight -
tonight they can stay here.
she kisses his cheek, hopelessly in love with him, and allows herself to live fully in the present moment, for now.]
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the gesture is soft and sweet, and he closes his eyes, for a moment, mouth curling up in a small smile. flayn isn't the only one hopeless. what a strange, wonderful feeling, to be known, to be loved.
the small, pragmatic, cynical part of him worries that it will end, even if they do survive tomorrow. all he can do is give her his dice, and hope maybe... maybe she'll remember. he wants it. so, so badly, he wants her to, wants to hold onto this sweetness and light for what it is. in the end, yin yu's not just a servant, or a retainer, or a masked officer, or a no one - he's a human being. a real person, not a ghost, no matter how hard he tried to convince the world otherwise.
the wing wrapped around her back squeezes, the feathers ruffling gently. for a moment, he falls silent, content with their present moment, but, with the dragon horns of flayn's so close in his eyesight, it does bring something else to mind. ]
...I am not one for superstition, or charms, or anything of the sort, but, there's a saying... "lóng fèng chéng xiáng--" [ who knows how they can all understand each other, really, but the intent of saying it in the correct language comes through. ] - That is, that the dragon and phoenix together bring good fortune, and prosperity.
[ it feels very embarrassing to say this, for some reason. too cheesy, maybe. his cheeks pinken, a little, and he stares down at their hands. ] ...so perhaps we will be lucky, after all.
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anyway. flayn pays close attention to what he's saying - it's hard for her not to tune in to the sound of his voice, when he speaks. she repeats the saying to herself, very softly.]
Lóng fèng chéng xiáng...?
[wow, she hopes she pronounced that right.]
I hope that we shall be. But, the truth is... [no matter what tomorrow might bring them...] ...you came back to me. I already feel very fortunate.
[she squeezes his hand.]
I am hoping for the best for tomorrow. But... I wish I knew how to make it clear just how much it means to me that we can be together right now.
[this is, like, the one time she wishes it was still emotionshare week.]
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he honestly doesn't sound much better pronouncing fódlan anyway, but it sounded good to him. yin yu nods, feeling his heart squeeze again at you came back to me. sometimes, it still blows his mind that anyone remembered him at all.
let alone that someone could love him. that someone could be happy to be with him. it's absolutely wild, and hearing flayn say that makes a little part of him wish the emotion share was back, too. it had been so much easier than, to let flayn know how much every tiny gesture meant to him. even just the fact that she sought him out, or waved hello, or came to his side in a crowded camp, meant the world. bigger things, biggest gestures, bigger emotions - they're impossible to describe, and leave him red faced and stumbling at the sheer overwhelming warmth that fills him up from head to toe.
yin yu ducks his head to hide his smile, small as it is, and an embarrassed laugh escapes him. ] If it's as much to you as it is to me, then it must be overwhelming.
[ happy. he's just really happy, too. that doesn't mean he'll stop worrying, or that he's not preparing mentally for what's to come, but in this present moment, it's really, really nice to be happy. there's no place he'd rather be. ]
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[overwhelming, that is.
when flayn had been given her role and told that she would have to kill, she had been prepared to withdraw from those she was close to. or at least - she'd thought she was. but it hadn't been easy to turn away from him, and he'd said it -
forgive me for saying so, but... there's been nowhere else I would want to be.
by allowing her to help him, he'd helped her in turn. he had made her feel like there was something she could do for him - for anyone - other than hurt them. like there was something she was good for other than cultivating suffering (which had been the point all along, hadn't it? for them to suffer enough for the snake to be born?).
so to know that she had, in some small way, actually made a difference... that she actually did manage to make him happy, happy enough for him to want to come back, to keep going, to not give up--
it's overwhelming, but in the best way.]
...it is a good kind of overwhelming.
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overwhelming. flayn's kindness had been confusing at first, strange at first. welcome, but deflected, set quietly to the side as a novelty. but it just kept happening, over, and over. no matter how far he ran. no matter how awkward, or quiet, or unnoticeable he was, flayn always seemed to find him. holding her hand had become such a natural tether, because he'd felt like she needed it first, and then...when he did, it became easy to ask for it, too. maybe not in so many words, but similarly, he was able to allow himself a little bit of that warmth, because it had been helping flayn. that much let her find her way in.
and it's so much. sometimes, he wanted to hide away from it, shy away from the light that shone on him, but shyly, more and more, he learned to bask in it a little, too. overwhelming, but really, really good.
yin yu exhales on a laugh, not so much nerves or anticipation as butterflies, and gently squeezes her hand. ] Very much so.
...I know that I'm not particularly good at this - you said that it was enough it was me, but, I. [ mnnn. he tilts his head to peek at her, a little, still red, still shy. ] ...but I want to be a better me, too. In a lot of ways.
I'll do my best with that, too, in times of peace as much as I have done my best in these times of strife. [ but he wants to be someone worthy of flayn, and he wants to be someone who will make her happy. who will keep her feeling good overwhelmed, who can protect her, who can fight alongside her, too. even as this draws to a close - if they don't all die tomorrow. ]
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if it was just luck, flayn is grateful for it. it's the best luck she could have had.]
I want to see that. Do not get me wrong, I think you are wonderful already. I love you just as you are. [she squeezes his hand in return and looks up at him with a smile.] ...but I want to see you be happier with who you are. If I can be there by your side when that happens, if I can... help you to be happier, in any way, then... so much the better.
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has anyone, in his entire life, loved him as he is? has even been worth such a thing? mediocre, boring, practically see-through yin yu, who has done nothing of worth in his entire life, worthy of someone's love, just the way he is. it is such a bafflingly bizarre thought that if you told him nine or so weeks ago this would end this way, he might have laughed.
yin yu would do anything for that smile of hers, too. no duty, no obligation. the fact that it's directed at him floods warmth through him, that makes his heart squeeze hard in his chest.
it is his turn to bring their hands up, to press a gentle kiss to her knuckles. ] You have already done so much. [ yin yu doesn't know how to make her understand the gravity of such simple acts of warmth and kindness: of how much she really has changed his life. there were others, but flayn was the one who set him on the path in the first place.
he lingers there for a moment, still holding her hand. ] To say you have my gratitude is barely scratching the surface.
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(but that won't stop her from doing it to him again, later.)]
I... [she doesn't really understand it, not yet. to her, yin yu has always been a wonderful person. someone worth reaching out to - someone worth loving. she'd never once thought that he might not be.
even after seeing his worst moments, in his memory... if anything, it had only made her care for him more. it's easy to be kind when you've never known suffering; it's much harder to be kind when there's been so much sorrow heaped onto you that you don't know what to do with it.
but even though he hasn't seen himself that way - he's always been endlessly kind. he's always done what he can to try and make things easier for others, to serve others, and--
that's remarkable. so many people who suffer lash out at others, instead, and they don't feel bad about it afterwards.]
...it has never been your gratitude that I did any of it for. I simply... wanted to be close to you. I am grateful that you allowed me to be.
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[ not for the first time, he thinks about last saturday - about how people refused to accept flayn as a possible candidate for a crime she had obviously committed, whether she wanted to or not. it had been so frustrating, watching her suffer, and realizing that no one really seemed to understand her, at all. maybe it was his carefully observant nature - and sure, that played a part - but, more likely, maybe it was the fact that flayn just let him in.
he knows how it feels to be in a crowd of people, and still feel completely alone. the heavens taught him that cruel lesson very, very quickly. flayn was the kind of person you just wanted to spend time around, but how many people actually, really, knew who she was? how lucky was he, to be the person to get to know her?
as he lets their hands come back down, yin yu gives them a small squeeze. it's present, grounding. he's here.
....he's here, isn't he. ] ... thank you, for not letting me run away, then. [ because if flayn hadn't been so patient, hadn't kept reaching out to him, he just might have. this might have never happened at all. ]
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[because she had been. stubborn, that is. it would, perhaps, have been more polite to leave him to his own devices (though she'd never tried to be outright rude), but... she hadn't felt as though she could do that.
so she'd chased after him, whether he had wanted her to at the time or not.
she's smiling, though; stubbornness may not be the best trait to have, objectively speaking, but it had certainly worked out well enough for the two of them.]
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You are very stubborn. [ about a lot of things. like running headfirst into break-ins. like confronting danger, even de-powered, because of her moral compass. like even wanting to do things, actively, when she was severely injured.
like chasing after a stranger in a mask and dragging him into being social, like seeing him, time after time, when no one else did.
his thumb strokes over the side of her hand, and he's smiling, too. ] ...but I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. [ a beat. ] Usually.
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[...no, she knows exactly why he's saying "usually". her stubbornness had gotten her injured on more than one occasion, and on more than one occasion, he'd had to help her out of it.
it had brought them closer, though, hadn't it? flayn truly does not like pain, but if avoiding pain would have meant not being able to have come this far with yin yu, then if would have chosen to walk the exact same path she had, over and over again.]
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I don't mind. [ even if it does stress him out sometimes... ] I do quite admire your courage, Flayn.
[ yin yu certainly doesn't see himself as a courageous person, so. ]
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not something she is told very often. she blinks up at him for few long moments, stunned into silence.
in fódlan, saint cethleann is praised for her kindness, gentleness, and beauty. she's known as a miraculous healer who wanted peace in the world, and is known as someone who worked alongside seiros and the other three saints, but generally, they remember that she tended to the wounded, and not that she was there in the thick of most battles. it is her father, her uncles, and her aunt who have been renowned as warriors (and a tactician) in history's eyes.
but in her way, she's fought, too. she's struggled against her fears and faced them regardless.
yin yu has seen that, the same way he's seen her, here, in this place.
not quite sure what to say, she hugs him tightly and buries her face in his shoulder.]
...thank you, for saying so.
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...but it's true. yin yu has never thought of flayn as anything less than courageous, can't imagine why anyone would think otherwise. maybe it isn't killing monsters all day like he does for hua cheng, but the kind of personal strength that flayn has is something that yin yu admires so much. he is not a courageous person, in that sense. after all, it took him until this weekend to admit what he'd done to wen ning to her, because he'd been so scared - while flayn stood in front of everyone, the listening dead included, and told the entire world what she had done. she walked up to ogata and took his anger. she confronted and tried to talk to the snake monster. over, and over, over.
yin yu thinks flayn is amazing, for more reasons than one. she is the kind of person he has always tried - and failed - at being.
...still, when she hugs him, it's relieving. flayn'll feel him sag a little, before he hugs her back, arms coming up around her easily, giving a squeeze. ] Of course... [ and when he trails off, yin yu sounds a little confused, but, relieved, too. ] It is only the truth.
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she's never been good with secrets. some, back home, she's had to keep out of necessity (although she hasn't kept them particularly well), but keeping them had never truly harmed anyone. the secrets kept here in the camp, though - those had harmed everyone. the victims had suffered in their deaths, the scapegoats had suffered by paying the price for crimes they hadn't committed, and the living had suffered the agony of not knowing where they had gone wrong.
it's true that it was magic of some kind that had silenced her, but the decisions she'd made had played a part in the hurt, as well. the people who had been hurt deserved to know the truth of what had happened, so they could decide how to proceed. it's why what had been said was said publicly, as well, so that the dead could also hear it - with no way to say it face to face unless they were killed, they'd had to resort to speaking in an area that they knew the dead could see.
when she thought about it that way, how could she have done it any differently? she'd been terrified to lose the affections of people she'd come to care for, but her feelings had never been what had mattered, there; what had mattered was that those who had been wronged had all the information so they could make an informed decision about how to proceed. to her, courage hadn't really had anything to do with it.
...but it warms her heart to hear yin yu say it. he'd been one of the people whose affections she had been most afraid of losing, after all. it feels like a miracle that he's still willing to be here with her, after all that. she relaxes further as his arms come around her, and breathes out.
maybe this will all turn out okay, after all.]
You are very kind.
[her voice is muffled in his shoulder, because she hasn't raised her head. oh well.]
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but then, flayn says - you are very kind.
all yin yu has ever wanted is to be a kind, good person. he's not extraordinary at anything. he's not really terrible at many things, either, but he's never done anything to stand out. a persistent amount of hard work, sure, but ultimately, that hard work meant nothing in the real world, in the heavens. and he knows that, so deeply aware of his own mediocrity that it's his greatest strength and his greatest weakness at the same time. so, maybe if he can't be a martial god, if he can't be great, if he can't be notable, even, maybe he could just be kind.
but is he?
time and time again, he thinks of yizhen. his face, confused like a lost puppy dog, staring up at him for answers in the heavens, and what had yin yu given him? nearly his own death - cruelty, at a time when they both needed kindness. what has he done since? he's only run. that's who awaits him back home, quan yizhen, who found him, and he still -- even after everything that happens here, he still wants to run. would a kind person still run like a coward? would a kind person not have an apology, an explanation, something, that yizhen deserves from him?
he still can't find the kindness in his heart that flayn says he has, because yin yu knows deep down that he is not only plain, presenceless, and mediocre... but he's cruel, too.
he goes quiet for a moment before he responds, closing his eyes where she can't see him. the old, tired sorrow leaks in, steals around the corners and snatches at the tiny gasps of happiness, like it always, always has. ] ...that's very kind of you to say.
[ but it isn't the truth. ]
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It is only the truth.
[that, at least, flayn believes wholeheartedly.
she knows what happened in the past, with yizhen. she doesn't know what he's going to do about him, in the future - frankly, she's not sure even yin yu knows that. it's a complicated situation, and it's one that will only be resolved when they're face to face with each other, whenever that might be.
his actions aren't only kind, but yin yu is a kind person. even kind people can be pushed to their limits, though - a cruel act doesn't make someone not kind. the circumstances matter.
hadn't he been telling her the same thing?
the way he goes quiet, and the way he says the words, have her lifting her head from his shoulder.
after a moment, she strains up to press a kiss to his cheek.]
...but we do not have to talk about it further, if you would rather not.
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he's troubled, and it's a little more obvious when flayn lifts her head, but the soft press of lips to his cheek makes his heart swell, nonetheless. maybe he can't believe such things to be true without dismissing them, but, maybe they'll come in time. love did, after all - believing he was even a little close to worth that is a start.
"if you say so" - he doesn't want to respond that way. he's not sure what to say, and flayn's soft comment makes him feel a rush of gratitude, not for the first time, not for the last. in the end, he's still a coward.
but. he exhales. ]
...in the present moment. [ is eventually what yin yu decides on, turning his head to look at her properly, tucked against his side, a little, almost hesitant smile on his face. ] ...Right?
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it's easier for her to believe it, when she's trying to convince someone else. it's harder to apply it to herself.
still, she smiles up at him and gives his hand a light squeeze.]
Right.