[flayn doesn't really regard any of those things as courageous - rather, she's viewed them as the very least she could possibly do.
she's never been good with secrets. some, back home, she's had to keep out of necessity (although she hasn't kept them particularly well), but keeping them had never truly harmed anyone. the secrets kept here in the camp, though - those had harmed everyone. the victims had suffered in their deaths, the scapegoats had suffered by paying the price for crimes they hadn't committed, and the living had suffered the agony of not knowing where they had gone wrong.
it's true that it was magic of some kind that had silenced her, but the decisions she'd made had played a part in the hurt, as well. the people who had been hurt deserved to know the truth of what had happened, so they could decide how to proceed. it's why what had been said was said publicly, as well, so that the dead could also hear it - with no way to say it face to face unless they were killed, they'd had to resort to speaking in an area that they knew the dead could see.
when she thought about it that way, how could she have done it any differently? she'd been terrified to lose the affections of people she'd come to care for, but her feelings had never been what had mattered, there; what had mattered was that those who had been wronged had all the information so they could make an informed decision about how to proceed. to her, courage hadn't really had anything to do with it.
...but it warms her heart to hear yin yu say it. he'd been one of the people whose affections she had been most afraid of losing, after all. it feels like a miracle that he's still willing to be here with her, after all that. she relaxes further as his arms come around her, and breathes out.
maybe this will all turn out okay, after all.]
You are very kind.
[her voice is muffled in his shoulder, because she hasn't raised her head. oh well.]
[ it's good to feel flayn relax further against him. it's good to feel like he can finally do something, even if it's not much - it doesn't feel like enough. but short of turning back the hands of time and begging veronica to switch their places, there's nothing he really can do besides be supportive.
but then, flayn says - you are very kind.
all yin yu has ever wanted is to be a kind, good person. he's not extraordinary at anything. he's not really terrible at many things, either, but he's never done anything to stand out. a persistent amount of hard work, sure, but ultimately, that hard work meant nothing in the real world, in the heavens. and he knows that, so deeply aware of his own mediocrity that it's his greatest strength and his greatest weakness at the same time. so, maybe if he can't be a martial god, if he can't be great, if he can't be notable, even, maybe he could just be kind.
but is he?
time and time again, he thinks of yizhen. his face, confused like a lost puppy dog, staring up at him for answers in the heavens, and what had yin yu given him? nearly his own death - cruelty, at a time when they both needed kindness. what has he done since? he's only run. that's who awaits him back home, quan yizhen, who found him, and he still -- even after everything that happens here, he still wants to run. would a kind person still run like a coward? would a kind person not have an apology, an explanation, something, that yizhen deserves from him?
he still can't find the kindness in his heart that flayn says he has, because yin yu knows deep down that he is not only plain, presenceless, and mediocre... but he's cruel, too.
he goes quiet for a moment before he responds, closing his eyes where she can't see him. the old, tired sorrow leaks in, steals around the corners and snatches at the tiny gasps of happiness, like it always, always has. ] ...that's very kind of you to say.
[god she's going to fight him. but, like, metaphorically.]
It is only the truth.
[that, at least, flayn believes wholeheartedly.
she knows what happened in the past, with yizhen. she doesn't know what he's going to do about him, in the future - frankly, she's not sure even yin yu knows that. it's a complicated situation, and it's one that will only be resolved when they're face to face with each other, whenever that might be.
his actions aren't only kind, but yin yu is a kind person. even kind people can be pushed to their limits, though - a cruel act doesn't make someone not kind. the circumstances matter.
hadn't he been telling her the same thing?
the way he goes quiet, and the way he says the words, have her lifting her head from his shoulder.
after a moment, she strains up to press a kiss to his cheek.]
...but we do not have to talk about it further, if you would rather not.
[ there's a small part of yin yu that would give almost anything to see the person that flayn sees when he looks in the mirror. that yin yu is a stranger to him, in so many ways - maybe closer now than ever before, but a stranger nonetheless. he's learned a lot about himself over the past few weeks here, harsh, painful realities and softer ones, too, but unlearning centuries of hating himself does not come overnight.
he's troubled, and it's a little more obvious when flayn lifts her head, but the soft press of lips to his cheek makes his heart swell, nonetheless. maybe he can't believe such things to be true without dismissing them, but, maybe they'll come in time. love did, after all - believing he was even a little close to worth that is a start.
"if you say so" - he doesn't want to respond that way. he's not sure what to say, and flayn's soft comment makes him feel a rush of gratitude, not for the first time, not for the last. in the end, he's still a coward.
but. he exhales. ]
...in the present moment. [ is eventually what yin yu decides on, turning his head to look at her properly, tucked against his side, a little, almost hesitant smile on his face. ] ...Right?
[the past is the past; it's over and done with. the future is the future; whatever may come then will be dealt with in due time. but the present is the moment that they are living in, and all that can be asked of them is for them to do the best with what they have.
it's easier for her to believe it, when she's trying to convince someone else. it's harder to apply it to herself.
still, she smiles up at him and gives his hand a light squeeze.]
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fishingforcompliments) wrote2020-06-06 12:53 pm
no subject
she's never been good with secrets. some, back home, she's had to keep out of necessity (although she hasn't kept them particularly well), but keeping them had never truly harmed anyone. the secrets kept here in the camp, though - those had harmed everyone. the victims had suffered in their deaths, the scapegoats had suffered by paying the price for crimes they hadn't committed, and the living had suffered the agony of not knowing where they had gone wrong.
it's true that it was magic of some kind that had silenced her, but the decisions she'd made had played a part in the hurt, as well. the people who had been hurt deserved to know the truth of what had happened, so they could decide how to proceed. it's why what had been said was said publicly, as well, so that the dead could also hear it - with no way to say it face to face unless they were killed, they'd had to resort to speaking in an area that they knew the dead could see.
when she thought about it that way, how could she have done it any differently? she'd been terrified to lose the affections of people she'd come to care for, but her feelings had never been what had mattered, there; what had mattered was that those who had been wronged had all the information so they could make an informed decision about how to proceed. to her, courage hadn't really had anything to do with it.
...but it warms her heart to hear yin yu say it. he'd been one of the people whose affections she had been most afraid of losing, after all. it feels like a miracle that he's still willing to be here with her, after all that. she relaxes further as his arms come around her, and breathes out.
maybe this will all turn out okay, after all.]
You are very kind.
[her voice is muffled in his shoulder, because she hasn't raised her head. oh well.]
no subject
but then, flayn says - you are very kind.
all yin yu has ever wanted is to be a kind, good person. he's not extraordinary at anything. he's not really terrible at many things, either, but he's never done anything to stand out. a persistent amount of hard work, sure, but ultimately, that hard work meant nothing in the real world, in the heavens. and he knows that, so deeply aware of his own mediocrity that it's his greatest strength and his greatest weakness at the same time. so, maybe if he can't be a martial god, if he can't be great, if he can't be notable, even, maybe he could just be kind.
but is he?
time and time again, he thinks of yizhen. his face, confused like a lost puppy dog, staring up at him for answers in the heavens, and what had yin yu given him? nearly his own death - cruelty, at a time when they both needed kindness. what has he done since? he's only run. that's who awaits him back home, quan yizhen, who found him, and he still -- even after everything that happens here, he still wants to run. would a kind person still run like a coward? would a kind person not have an apology, an explanation, something, that yizhen deserves from him?
he still can't find the kindness in his heart that flayn says he has, because yin yu knows deep down that he is not only plain, presenceless, and mediocre... but he's cruel, too.
he goes quiet for a moment before he responds, closing his eyes where she can't see him. the old, tired sorrow leaks in, steals around the corners and snatches at the tiny gasps of happiness, like it always, always has. ] ...that's very kind of you to say.
[ but it isn't the truth. ]
no subject
It is only the truth.
[that, at least, flayn believes wholeheartedly.
she knows what happened in the past, with yizhen. she doesn't know what he's going to do about him, in the future - frankly, she's not sure even yin yu knows that. it's a complicated situation, and it's one that will only be resolved when they're face to face with each other, whenever that might be.
his actions aren't only kind, but yin yu is a kind person. even kind people can be pushed to their limits, though - a cruel act doesn't make someone not kind. the circumstances matter.
hadn't he been telling her the same thing?
the way he goes quiet, and the way he says the words, have her lifting her head from his shoulder.
after a moment, she strains up to press a kiss to his cheek.]
...but we do not have to talk about it further, if you would rather not.
no subject
he's troubled, and it's a little more obvious when flayn lifts her head, but the soft press of lips to his cheek makes his heart swell, nonetheless. maybe he can't believe such things to be true without dismissing them, but, maybe they'll come in time. love did, after all - believing he was even a little close to worth that is a start.
"if you say so" - he doesn't want to respond that way. he's not sure what to say, and flayn's soft comment makes him feel a rush of gratitude, not for the first time, not for the last. in the end, he's still a coward.
but. he exhales. ]
...in the present moment. [ is eventually what yin yu decides on, turning his head to look at her properly, tucked against his side, a little, almost hesitant smile on his face. ] ...Right?
no subject
it's easier for her to believe it, when she's trying to convince someone else. it's harder to apply it to herself.
still, she smiles up at him and gives his hand a light squeeze.]
Right.