[ the first time that yin yu saw flayn cry, it made him panic. he's seen ghosts cry, little children and soldiers and wives alike, all crying over anything and everything, but it wasn't the same. maybe it was because even from the island, he had come to see flayn as someone so good, and so kind, that it was hard to watch her be upset. even then, without really understanding why, he'd reacted, reaching up to wipe her tears.
now, six weeks later, it makes a little more sense. he'd come to care for her even then, because she always, always cared for him. flayn always saw him, always sought him out, and then she was gone.
hearing her voice waver solidifies that same feeling, replaces the panic with care. he still doesn't know how to make it stop, but he's been trying, since day one, to make these awful games a little easier. to protect that kindness that meant so much to him, to keep that little, warm light that he'd needed so badly flickering onwards for herself, for everyone in the camp. there were so few things he could do, there was nothing she could say, but right now i'm glad you are here means the world.
me too, he can't say. the words get caught in his throat. he's never been the best at expressing himself when it was necessary or otherwise, but as flayn leans in, he pulls her just that little bit closer, and covers their joined hands gently with his own. yin yu has hands suiting of his height, long, delicate fingers, and he encloses hers between his, like maybe he can hold her enough to try and take some of that suffering away.
i will not let you slip away again. he won't. not even death could keep him from flayn's side, for that long. the true duty of a retainer is to return to the side of their lord or lady, but more than that, yin yu had a promise to keep.
it's a long moment where he doesn't talk, just squeezes her hand, holds her close. flayn has been his anchor to reality more than once, too, and he wants to make sure he returns the favor. eventually, yin yu tips to rest his cheek against the top of her head, and says, quietly: ] We're here.
[ you and i both. we're here. it's over, for the most part. it's over.
despite everything, they survived.
he can tell flayn doesn't want to cry. she is that way; when she was upset, how few people actually saw her? who could actually tell the reasons why she was hurting so badly? how few people did flayn show herself to, really? yin yu had wondered it in the graveyard; was he one of the only ones who really knew her, at all?
so, he will do his best to keep her from going to far down that rabbit hole of pain, just as she's done to him, so many times. ] I'm not sure how much longer I could have stood it over there. [ a pause, and then. ] I have to confess something to you that may surprise you.
the fact that it's the two of them, that it's possible for there to be a we, is a miracle. he's alive. despite everything, he's alive. depending on how tomorrow works out, there is a very real possibility that tomorrow's sunrise might be the last they see, but if they do face death -
they'll be facing it together.
she relaxes as his hand comes to rest over hers, as his cheek rests against the top of her head. her eyes are still a little wet, but she actually manages to smile. we're here, but also, he's here. and this is finally, finally over.
it's easier to accept his comfort, now. she breathes out.]
I am glad you did not have to stay there for long any longer than you did. The length of time you were there... that was already too much. [she doesn't like the idea of him suffering, either. she knows how maddening it can be, to only watch, and to not feel like there's anything you can do to help ease someone's pain. she knows that intimately, and she'd never wanted that for him.] ...you have something to... confess? What is it?
[ -- too, she says, which surprises him. yin yu looks down at her, pulling back a bit, surprised.
and then he just - ] --Pfft!
[ ridiculous. yin yu doesn't laugh loudly, as ever, but the noise was startled out of him, and he finally removes one of his hands to cover his mouth to be polite. oops. ]
[hm. that's not quite the same type of laughter she drew out of him when she confessed her power, but - it's pretty close. he's probably trying not to laugh too loudly at it.]
[ it dies down after a second, successfully muffled. ahh.... ]
I think it's the irony of at all. He hasn't changed so much. [ well. mostly. yin yu knows that's not entirely true. ] I wish I hadn't done it: it certainly didn't make me feel any better.
[ he sighs, thumb absently stroking over the side of her hand. ] He's been trying to provoke me since before he was executed, and did the same for much of our time on the other side. Unfortunately, I gave into it.
[ he does not say that he was really ready to lay him out again, today, at the trial, because yin yu doesn't see any sense in dwelling on it, but he definitely was ready to, if push came to shove.
yin yu huffs, a quiet noise. ] I don't particularly enjoy fighting with others. I never have.
[ it's a bit ironic, for a former martial god, but. there are very few things that will get him that angry.]
[ hm... there's just a soft, familiar touch of fondness at that, the warmth he associates now with flayn. he glances down at their intertwined hands, the gentle, familiar fit. ]
That makes two of us. [ he doesn't really regret punching ogata all that much, though. there are some things in life that are worth punching someone in the jaw for. ]
For that reason more than many, I hope tomorrow will be kinder.
[ looking down at flayn, settled this close to her, all he can do is agree. ]
I do too. [ love can change a person, shinobu had said. she was right—it may have taken him death to really understand it, but yin yu is starting to.
he ducks his head in a little closer, squeezing her hand. there are still a million things to say, but none of them feel right, or enough. ] This time, I will endeavor not to leave it.
there really are so many things to say here - but flayn doesn't know quite which words to use, either. thank you certainly doesn't quite feel like enough to encompass just how grateful she is that he isn't going to leave. that, tonight at least, they can stay together.
tomorrow, they will part ways, but tonight -
tonight they can stay here.
she kisses his cheek, hopelessly in love with him, and allows herself to live fully in the present moment, for now.]
[ can't believe the "this is our last night together" setup and they're going to hold hands and kiss cheeks all night, terrible
the gesture is soft and sweet, and he closes his eyes, for a moment, mouth curling up in a small smile. flayn isn't the only one hopeless. what a strange, wonderful feeling, to be known, to be loved.
the small, pragmatic, cynical part of him worries that it will end, even if they do survive tomorrow. all he can do is give her his dice, and hope maybe... maybe she'll remember. he wants it. so, so badly, he wants her to, wants to hold onto this sweetness and light for what it is. in the end, yin yu's not just a servant, or a retainer, or a masked officer, or a no one - he's a human being. a real person, not a ghost, no matter how hard he tried to convince the world otherwise.
the wing wrapped around her back squeezes, the feathers ruffling gently. for a moment, he falls silent, content with their present moment, but, with the dragon horns of flayn's so close in his eyesight, it does bring something else to mind. ]
...I am not one for superstition, or charms, or anything of the sort, but, there's a saying... "lóng fèng chéng xiáng--" [ who knows how they can all understand each other, really, but the intent of saying it in the correct language comes through. ] - That is, that the dragon and phoenix together bring good fortune, and prosperity.
[ it feels very embarrassing to say this, for some reason. too cheesy, maybe. his cheeks pinken, a little, and he stares down at their hands. ] ...so perhaps we will be lucky, after all.
[if yin yu wants to bang in a bunk bed while they've both got wings he's welcome to try? though that would probably be kind of uncomfortable, huh! cucked by furry week. and also by the fact that he's terribly repressed.
anyway. flayn pays close attention to what he's saying - it's hard for her not to tune in to the sound of his voice, when he speaks. she repeats the saying to herself, very softly.]
Lóng fèng chéng xiáng...?
[wow, she hopes she pronounced that right.]
I hope that we shall be. But, the truth is... [no matter what tomorrow might bring them...] ...you came back to me. I already feel very fortunate.
[she squeezes his hand.]
I am hoping for the best for tomorrow. But... I wish I knew how to make it clear just how much it means to me that we can be together right now.
[this is, like, the one time she wishes it was still emotionshare week.]
[ first of all bold of you to assume he has even thought about these things! especially the banging part!!
he honestly doesn't sound much better pronouncing fódlan anyway, but it sounded good to him. yin yu nods, feeling his heart squeeze again at you came back to me. sometimes, it still blows his mind that anyone remembered him at all.
let alone that someone could love him. that someone could be happy to be with him. it's absolutely wild, and hearing flayn say that makes a little part of him wish the emotion share was back, too. it had been so much easier than, to let flayn know how much every tiny gesture meant to him. even just the fact that she sought him out, or waved hello, or came to his side in a crowded camp, meant the world. bigger things, biggest gestures, bigger emotions - they're impossible to describe, and leave him red faced and stumbling at the sheer overwhelming warmth that fills him up from head to toe.
yin yu ducks his head to hide his smile, small as it is, and an embarrassed laugh escapes him. ] If it's as much to you as it is to me, then it must be overwhelming.
[ happy. he's just really happy, too. that doesn't mean he'll stop worrying, or that he's not preparing mentally for what's to come, but in this present moment, it's really, really nice to be happy. there's no place he'd rather be. ]
when flayn had been given her role and told that she would have to kill, she had been prepared to withdraw from those she was close to. or at least - she'd thought she was. but it hadn't been easy to turn away from him, and he'd said it -
forgive me for saying so, but... there's been nowhere else I would want to be.
by allowing her to help him, he'd helped her in turn. he had made her feel like there was something she could do for him - for anyone - other than hurt them. like there was something she was good for other than cultivating suffering (which had been the point all along, hadn't it? for them to suffer enough for the snake to be born?).
so to know that she had, in some small way, actually made a difference... that she actually did manage to make him happy, happy enough for him to want to come back, to keep going, to not give up--
overwhelming. flayn's kindness had been confusing at first, strange at first. welcome, but deflected, set quietly to the side as a novelty. but it just kept happening, over, and over. no matter how far he ran. no matter how awkward, or quiet, or unnoticeable he was, flayn always seemed to find him. holding her hand had become such a natural tether, because he'd felt like she needed it first, and then...when he did, it became easy to ask for it, too. maybe not in so many words, but similarly, he was able to allow himself a little bit of that warmth, because it had been helping flayn. that much let her find her way in.
and it's so much. sometimes, he wanted to hide away from it, shy away from the light that shone on him, but shyly, more and more, he learned to bask in it a little, too. overwhelming, but really, really good.
yin yu exhales on a laugh, not so much nerves or anticipation as butterflies, and gently squeezes her hand. ] Very much so.
...I know that I'm not particularly good at this - you said that it was enough it was me, but, I. [ mnnn. he tilts his head to peek at her, a little, still red, still shy. ] ...but I want to be a better me, too. In a lot of ways.
I'll do my best with that, too, in times of peace as much as I have done my best in these times of strife. [ but he wants to be someone worthy of flayn, and he wants to be someone who will make her happy. who will keep her feeling good overwhelmed, who can protect her, who can fight alongside her, too. even as this draws to a close - if they don't all die tomorrow. ]
[when it comes down to it, they had both needed each other - and they had both, in some way, needed to be needed. it's possible that it was just chance, that their needs had aligned in such a way, but -
if it was just luck, flayn is grateful for it. it's the best luck she could have had.]
I want to see that. Do not get me wrong, I think you are wonderful already. I love you just as you are. [she squeezes his hand in return and looks up at him with a smile.] ...but I want to see you be happier with who you are. If I can be there by your side when that happens, if I can... help you to be happier, in any way, then... so much the better.
has anyone, in his entire life, loved him as he is? has even been worth such a thing? mediocre, boring, practically see-through yin yu, who has done nothing of worth in his entire life, worthy of someone's love, just the way he is. it is such a bafflingly bizarre thought that if you told him nine or so weeks ago this would end this way, he might have laughed.
yin yu would do anything for that smile of hers, too. no duty, no obligation. the fact that it's directed at him floods warmth through him, that makes his heart squeeze hard in his chest.
it is his turn to bring their hands up, to press a gentle kiss to her knuckles. ] You have already done so much. [ yin yu doesn't know how to make her understand the gravity of such simple acts of warmth and kindness: of how much she really has changed his life. there were others, but flayn was the one who set him on the path in the first place.
he lingers there for a moment, still holding her hand. ] To say you have my gratitude is barely scratching the surface.
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fishingforcompliments) wrote2020-06-06 12:53 pm
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now, six weeks later, it makes a little more sense. he'd come to care for her even then, because she always, always cared for him. flayn always saw him, always sought him out, and then she was gone.
hearing her voice waver solidifies that same feeling, replaces the panic with care. he still doesn't know how to make it stop, but he's been trying, since day one, to make these awful games a little easier. to protect that kindness that meant so much to him, to keep that little, warm light that he'd needed so badly flickering onwards for herself, for everyone in the camp. there were so few things he could do, there was nothing she could say, but right now i'm glad you are here means the world.
me too, he can't say. the words get caught in his throat. he's never been the best at expressing himself when it was necessary or otherwise, but as flayn leans in, he pulls her just that little bit closer, and covers their joined hands gently with his own. yin yu has hands suiting of his height, long, delicate fingers, and he encloses hers between his, like maybe he can hold her enough to try and take some of that suffering away.
i will not let you slip away again. he won't. not even death could keep him from flayn's side, for that long. the true duty of a retainer is to return to the side of their lord or lady, but more than that, yin yu had a promise to keep.
it's a long moment where he doesn't talk, just squeezes her hand, holds her close. flayn has been his anchor to reality more than once, too, and he wants to make sure he returns the favor. eventually, yin yu tips to rest his cheek against the top of her head, and says, quietly: ] We're here.
[ you and i both. we're here. it's over, for the most part. it's over.
despite everything, they survived.
he can tell flayn doesn't want to cry. she is that way; when she was upset, how few people actually saw her? who could actually tell the reasons why she was hurting so badly? how few people did flayn show herself to, really? yin yu had wondered it in the graveyard; was he one of the only ones who really knew her, at all?
so, he will do his best to keep her from going to far down that rabbit hole of pain, just as she's done to him, so many times. ] I'm not sure how much longer I could have stood it over there. [ a pause, and then. ] I have to confess something to you that may surprise you.
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the fact that it's the two of them, that it's possible for there to be a we, is a miracle. he's alive. despite everything, he's alive. depending on how tomorrow works out, there is a very real possibility that tomorrow's sunrise might be the last they see, but if they do face death -
they'll be facing it together.
she relaxes as his hand comes to rest over hers, as his cheek rests against the top of her head. her eyes are still a little wet, but she actually manages to smile. we're here, but also, he's here. and this is finally, finally over.
it's easier to accept his comfort, now. she breathes out.]
I am glad you did not have to stay there for long any longer than you did. The length of time you were there... that was already too much. [she doesn't like the idea of him suffering, either. she knows how maddening it can be, to only watch, and to not feel like there's anything you can do to help ease someone's pain. she knows that intimately, and she'd never wanted that for him.] ...you have something to... confess? What is it?
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...I punched Ogata.
[ and his mouth twitches up, a little, into a wryly amused half smile.
how's that for a subject change. ]
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["too," she says.]
Well - I suppose I did not exactly punch him... but he and I fought on the island, more than once. [...] And I slapped him when we were ghosts.
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and then he just - ] --Pfft!
[ ridiculous. yin yu doesn't laugh loudly, as ever, but the noise was startled out of him, and he finally removes one of his hands to cover his mouth to be polite. oops. ]
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[hm. that's not quite the same type of laughter she drew out of him when she confessed her power, but - it's pretty close. he's probably trying not to laugh too loudly at it.]
...is it really that funny?
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I think it's the irony of at all. He hasn't changed so much. [ well. mostly. yin yu knows that's not entirely true. ] I wish I hadn't done it: it certainly didn't make me feel any better.
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[she sighs.]
...but I do not know that I could have approached it any differently, in the moment.
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[ because ogata is like that. ]
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Yes. And he was successful.
[clearly.]
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[ he sighs, thumb absently stroking over the side of her hand. ] He's been trying to provoke me since before he was executed, and did the same for much of our time on the other side. Unfortunately, I gave into it.
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It can be... very difficult, to resist in the face of such provocation. You lasted for longer than I did.
[...if that. helps. at all.]
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yin yu huffs, a quiet noise. ] I don't particularly enjoy fighting with others. I never have.
[ it's a bit ironic, for a former martial god, but. there are very few things that will get him that angry.]
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[she really... hates violence.]
My abilities are most useful when someone has been in a fight, but - I would rather there was never any need for them at all.
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That makes two of us. [ he doesn't really regret punching ogata all that much, though. there are some things in life that are worth punching someone in the jaw for. ]
For that reason more than many, I hope tomorrow will be kinder.
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[...whatever tomorrow brings - they can only hope for the best possible outcome. tonight, though...
flayn looks up at him.]
...but whatever we may face tomorrow, whether it is kind or not... I feel more prepared for it, simply by virtue of being at your side now.
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I do too. [ love can change a person, shinobu had said. she was right—it may have taken him death to really understand it, but yin yu is starting to.
he ducks his head in a little closer, squeezing her hand. there are still a million things to say, but none of them feel right, or enough. ] This time, I will endeavor not to leave it.
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there really are so many things to say here - but flayn doesn't know quite which words to use, either. thank you certainly doesn't quite feel like enough to encompass just how grateful she is that he isn't going to leave. that, tonight at least, they can stay together.
tomorrow, they will part ways, but tonight -
tonight they can stay here.
she kisses his cheek, hopelessly in love with him, and allows herself to live fully in the present moment, for now.]
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the gesture is soft and sweet, and he closes his eyes, for a moment, mouth curling up in a small smile. flayn isn't the only one hopeless. what a strange, wonderful feeling, to be known, to be loved.
the small, pragmatic, cynical part of him worries that it will end, even if they do survive tomorrow. all he can do is give her his dice, and hope maybe... maybe she'll remember. he wants it. so, so badly, he wants her to, wants to hold onto this sweetness and light for what it is. in the end, yin yu's not just a servant, or a retainer, or a masked officer, or a no one - he's a human being. a real person, not a ghost, no matter how hard he tried to convince the world otherwise.
the wing wrapped around her back squeezes, the feathers ruffling gently. for a moment, he falls silent, content with their present moment, but, with the dragon horns of flayn's so close in his eyesight, it does bring something else to mind. ]
...I am not one for superstition, or charms, or anything of the sort, but, there's a saying... "lóng fèng chéng xiáng--" [ who knows how they can all understand each other, really, but the intent of saying it in the correct language comes through. ] - That is, that the dragon and phoenix together bring good fortune, and prosperity.
[ it feels very embarrassing to say this, for some reason. too cheesy, maybe. his cheeks pinken, a little, and he stares down at their hands. ] ...so perhaps we will be lucky, after all.
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anyway. flayn pays close attention to what he's saying - it's hard for her not to tune in to the sound of his voice, when he speaks. she repeats the saying to herself, very softly.]
Lóng fèng chéng xiáng...?
[wow, she hopes she pronounced that right.]
I hope that we shall be. But, the truth is... [no matter what tomorrow might bring them...] ...you came back to me. I already feel very fortunate.
[she squeezes his hand.]
I am hoping for the best for tomorrow. But... I wish I knew how to make it clear just how much it means to me that we can be together right now.
[this is, like, the one time she wishes it was still emotionshare week.]
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he honestly doesn't sound much better pronouncing fódlan anyway, but it sounded good to him. yin yu nods, feeling his heart squeeze again at you came back to me. sometimes, it still blows his mind that anyone remembered him at all.
let alone that someone could love him. that someone could be happy to be with him. it's absolutely wild, and hearing flayn say that makes a little part of him wish the emotion share was back, too. it had been so much easier than, to let flayn know how much every tiny gesture meant to him. even just the fact that she sought him out, or waved hello, or came to his side in a crowded camp, meant the world. bigger things, biggest gestures, bigger emotions - they're impossible to describe, and leave him red faced and stumbling at the sheer overwhelming warmth that fills him up from head to toe.
yin yu ducks his head to hide his smile, small as it is, and an embarrassed laugh escapes him. ] If it's as much to you as it is to me, then it must be overwhelming.
[ happy. he's just really happy, too. that doesn't mean he'll stop worrying, or that he's not preparing mentally for what's to come, but in this present moment, it's really, really nice to be happy. there's no place he'd rather be. ]
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[overwhelming, that is.
when flayn had been given her role and told that she would have to kill, she had been prepared to withdraw from those she was close to. or at least - she'd thought she was. but it hadn't been easy to turn away from him, and he'd said it -
forgive me for saying so, but... there's been nowhere else I would want to be.
by allowing her to help him, he'd helped her in turn. he had made her feel like there was something she could do for him - for anyone - other than hurt them. like there was something she was good for other than cultivating suffering (which had been the point all along, hadn't it? for them to suffer enough for the snake to be born?).
so to know that she had, in some small way, actually made a difference... that she actually did manage to make him happy, happy enough for him to want to come back, to keep going, to not give up--
it's overwhelming, but in the best way.]
...it is a good kind of overwhelming.
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overwhelming. flayn's kindness had been confusing at first, strange at first. welcome, but deflected, set quietly to the side as a novelty. but it just kept happening, over, and over. no matter how far he ran. no matter how awkward, or quiet, or unnoticeable he was, flayn always seemed to find him. holding her hand had become such a natural tether, because he'd felt like she needed it first, and then...when he did, it became easy to ask for it, too. maybe not in so many words, but similarly, he was able to allow himself a little bit of that warmth, because it had been helping flayn. that much let her find her way in.
and it's so much. sometimes, he wanted to hide away from it, shy away from the light that shone on him, but shyly, more and more, he learned to bask in it a little, too. overwhelming, but really, really good.
yin yu exhales on a laugh, not so much nerves or anticipation as butterflies, and gently squeezes her hand. ] Very much so.
...I know that I'm not particularly good at this - you said that it was enough it was me, but, I. [ mnnn. he tilts his head to peek at her, a little, still red, still shy. ] ...but I want to be a better me, too. In a lot of ways.
I'll do my best with that, too, in times of peace as much as I have done my best in these times of strife. [ but he wants to be someone worthy of flayn, and he wants to be someone who will make her happy. who will keep her feeling good overwhelmed, who can protect her, who can fight alongside her, too. even as this draws to a close - if they don't all die tomorrow. ]
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if it was just luck, flayn is grateful for it. it's the best luck she could have had.]
I want to see that. Do not get me wrong, I think you are wonderful already. I love you just as you are. [she squeezes his hand in return and looks up at him with a smile.] ...but I want to see you be happier with who you are. If I can be there by your side when that happens, if I can... help you to be happier, in any way, then... so much the better.
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has anyone, in his entire life, loved him as he is? has even been worth such a thing? mediocre, boring, practically see-through yin yu, who has done nothing of worth in his entire life, worthy of someone's love, just the way he is. it is such a bafflingly bizarre thought that if you told him nine or so weeks ago this would end this way, he might have laughed.
yin yu would do anything for that smile of hers, too. no duty, no obligation. the fact that it's directed at him floods warmth through him, that makes his heart squeeze hard in his chest.
it is his turn to bring their hands up, to press a gentle kiss to her knuckles. ] You have already done so much. [ yin yu doesn't know how to make her understand the gravity of such simple acts of warmth and kindness: of how much she really has changed his life. there were others, but flayn was the one who set him on the path in the first place.
he lingers there for a moment, still holding her hand. ] To say you have my gratitude is barely scratching the surface.
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