[ so very trusting of flayn, he's completely fine with letting her do whatever. he's not entirely sure what to expect when her hands come up, but suddenly his face is showing, and he...is staring at himself. or, at least what other people see so often.
yin yu bites his lip, clearly trying not to laugh, and quips: ] -- Who are you, again?
[ see! unrecognizable.
(hearing flayn say his title is very cute, actually.) ]
[flayn giggles, and ... doesn't take off the mask. it's her mask now! at least until he decides he wants it back.
do xianxianyue officers giggle? they do now.
anyway, she presses her lips together into a thin line to quiet down, then bows the way she's seen him bow to her so many times, her fist pressed to the palm of her hand.]
[ ugh she's too cute... too pure... this isn't allowed...
when she replicates his usual greeting, he pulls back just a little to do the same. fist to his hand, bowing his head. in his robe, which is way too big, and his mask, which is a little wrong on her face, flayn's yin yu impression isn't too bad.
he's smiling when he straightens, now, dark eyes twinkling a little with mirth. ] Perhaps you'll take over my spot and I'll have to retire. The ghosts would be charmed.
[ yin yu gently reaches over, fingertips to the edge of the mask, gentle. it's strange to look at it; like looking at his own reflection. ] If my lady will forgive me, this doesn't suit you very much. There's no sense in hiding.
[behind the mask, flayn is smiling - god, but she wants to be able to keep making him smile, just like that.]
Perhaps! ...although it is not the ghosts I am trying to charm.
[it's just him.
when he brings his hands up to the edges of the mask, she looks back at him from behind it, but nods once. it's his mask; he can take it off if he wants to.]
...very well, but I hope you know I think the same thing about you. There is no sense in you hiding, either. You are wonderful, and I wish you would allow more people to see it.
[when he does pull the mask away, he'll find her smiling, her expression warm and gentle with affection.]
[ well she's definitely succeeding. he'd like to bring flayn to visit ghost city someday, maybe, if only because it's home, but... thinking about the residents of the city...maybe it would be better if he never did. they're very nosy and they'd probably never leave her alone.
...anyway. the smile remains on his face for a moment longer, waiting for confirmation before he tips it up, gently, about to remove it properly.
it's. listening to her say such things about him, he mentally dismisses them. because he knows flayn is biased, somehow (that she likes him for some odd reason, that she thinks he's interesting, wants to spend time around him, he will never understand why) but. no one's even attempted to really say anything like that to him since... maybe even jian yu, and even then. you are wonderful.
lifting the mask up to that expression is what nearly knocks him the fuck out, and for a moment, he's quiet, still holding it now horizontal to show her face. flayn's words mean a lot to him, in a deep, insecure part of his soul. he's so long come to accept that he is nothing, no one, and never will be anyone that to have someone consistently poke at that part of him and tell him otherwise is... it's not enough to make him believe in it, but there's a tiny, hopeful part of him that soaks it up like a sponge, desperate for the thought that to someone, yin yu is worth something beyond his abilities and his work. not the xianxianyue officer. not even the once martial god of the west. him.
he doesn't know what to say. "thank you" is wrong. she'll be upset if he dismisses it. (even if he does, mentally.) he can't say "you're right" or "i will" because neither of those things are true. how to sum up what it means, to have someone care?
yin yu rarely does things impulsively, so maybe it's not that impulsive. but, still with the mask just up enough to show that expression on her face, like the dawning sun, he ducks inwards, and presses a soft, sweet kiss against her mouth, the first one that he initiates. ]
[her heart gives a leap as he ducks down and leans in.
she knows what she hopes he's going to do, and she's not disappointed. his lips on hers are soft and warm, and she grips the fabric of his robes to keep herself steady (because he really does make her weak at the knees) as she kisses him back.
it's warm and chaste and gentle.
flayn is well aware that yin yu has difficulty expressing himself and being close to others - so it means everything to her that he's willing to put himself within her reach, that he's willing to stay. over and over and over again, even though he has a tendency to hide, when it really matters...
[ for a moment, he's about to pull back too quickly, anxiety jumping that it was probably too much - why would you do that, she wouldn't want you to - but flayn's fingers gripping tight to the front of his robes act as an anchor. it feels like every emotional part of him is all mixed up, gratitude and warmth and happiness and confusion and self loathing and anxiety all at once. for someone who hasn't felt a lot in a long time, it's very disorienting to suddenly just feel.
...but, he allows himself to do so. even if it's very new territory, in so many ways. with flayn - who has always been a hand reaching for him - it doesn't feel quite as scary. (even if the idea of ruining it terrifies him like an eventuality, that there is no way something this good in his life could possibly last.)
the kiss lingers, this time. he tries to put that gratitude into it. thank you, for seeing me, for thinking those things, even though they aren't true, i can't tell you how much it means to me, thank you. even though yin yu has no idea what he's doing (which is an odd, vaguely anxiety inducing feeling) he perseveres forward with it anyway, and pulls back a little slowly, heart racing, as he finally lifts the mask off proper. ]
[by the time he pulls back, flayn's cheeks are red, and her heart feels so full it might burst.
but she's smiling. she cannot stop smiling, and the look of pure, unvarnished affection on her face is so obvious as he pulls the mask away. she would absolutely want him to keep doing that, if he wanted to.
it's nice, to have someone reach out for her, instead of being the one who has to reach out of them.
words fail her, but she looks really happy about it.]
[ color bursts all over yin yu's face pretty much the minute she starts looking at him like that. the smile, the warmth, the affection, her red cheeks, he is not strong enough--
yin yu doesn't quite wheeze, but he half laughs and drops his head, shaking it a little, an embarrassed laugh bubbling out of his chest. he's not so flustered that he's running away - in fact, he's barely moved from where he's still settled near flayn, and he's still even smiling a little - but he cannot look at her when she's making that face because it's like looking directly into the sun. ]
...sorry. [ he says, though, much like earlier in the day, it's not for the kiss itself. it's for the fact that he's a weenie, which becomes increasingly obvious by the second. (it was probably already obvious.) ducked in low to kiss her ,his head down, he has to look up a little to meet her eyes through his lashes, a bit sheepish, shy. ] I - am not very good at this.
[...he's got her heart fluttering, at least - that's something! ...and it's kind of nice to see that she's not the only one caught off-guard by how much this is, although she is a little worried, at times, that his being flustered will turn into embarrassment.]
But whether you are good at it or not does not really matter. You do not have to be good at this; all you have to be is you.
[because him - just him - is more than enough for her.]
[ it is always embarrassment. but, you know, as far as today has gone, this is one of the less embarrassing moments. he will mentally unpack everything that led to where they are right now at least thirty times later, and be mortified at various parts of it from start to finish.
it's a good kind of embarrassed, anyway. a squirmy, butterflies in your stomach kind. it makes him want to smile about as much as it makes him want to run off and hide and that's a lot for him.
all you have to be is you, she says. who is he, anyway? how could that possibly even come to be anywhere near enough to someone like flayn? how lucky has he been to even stand in her orbit? to do something like this just feels so absurdly, wildly out of something like a dream. ] I...
[ he's too flustered to say anything along those lines. it feels too big, some chasm of self loathing he can't even fathom beginning to cross. still, yin yu gives her a smile, a little hesitant, but...genuine. ] - I'll do my best for you, my lady. [ eventually, is what he settles on. even though his best isn't nearly good enough. if yin yu could even begin to do something that would do right by this person in front of him, it would at least be a start. he's never done anything half assed in his entire life, and if someone is going to like him still, even though he's talentless, even though he's boring, even though he had a chance to be something and it fell apart, even though he's just bad -
gods willing - or not - he's going to try his best to do it right. ]
...flayn appreciates that thought. she does. it brings a small smile to her face, and a flush of color to her cheeks. by now, after so many weeks with yin yu, she knows that - whether he believes it or not - his best will be exceptional.
she has no idea how she could have been lucky enough to attract the attention of someone like him, but she's grateful for it.]
[ yin yu can't help but smile a little back at her too, though, less hesitant. there's affection in his eyes, even if it's quiet, a warmth that fills his expression that he would think to be practically foreign if he could see it on his face. yin yu nods, because flayn... flayn is always doing her best, too. and her best is eons beyond his, because the earnest way that she tries, that she does things - even when she fails, sometimes - is so heartening that it feels light just to be in her presence. it's comforting. it's really nice.
...right. okay. yeah. he should probably pull away from her. he's still kind of hovering, leaned over for the kiss from before, still holding his mask, and... doesn't...move right away, brain skipping like a record, a little stupidly.
some of that flush blotches down the side of his neck, and he stumbles mentally over what he was going to say, because he needs to at least make sure she knows - ] If...ah. If I ever make you uncomfortable or anything...please don't hesitate to tell me.
[ he doesn't want to mess that up, either. inevitably, he will. eventually flayn will figure out that she's beyond him. one day she'll recognize just how far out of his league she really is. (she... she'll learn about the island, eventually, a small, dreadful parts of him reminds him. but she learned about quan yizhen, too, and even now, she stands here. arguably nothing will ever baffle him more than that.) ]
...I think perhaps I ought to be the one telling you that.
[after all, she had been the one to start this in the first place. she's the one who seems to endlessly fluster him - she's never really been shy about expressing how she feels (though she can put it off until it seems like a better time), but he's more reserved, and while it means everything to her that he allows her this -
she wants him to allow it because he wants to, not because he feels like he has to. each time he reaches for her, first, it makes it a little easier for her to believe that he does.]
he can't help but laugh, a little. ] I think it would be quite obvious.
[ IE: he'd run. he knows it. she knows it. yin yu is absolutely, clearly, aware of his own personality defects and that is one of them.
but! to assuage any worry, yin yu nods, finally straightening up a bit more. ] ...but I'll tell you, although I have yet to feel that way. [ just a little embarrassed! or a lot embarrassed. it's nothing he can't handle. (and...really, every time he's been embarrassed, it's ended. pretty well. so.
...but they both know that, unless he told her to stay away, to not follow him, to get out of his sight - she would run after him. even if he's too fast for her to keep up, and even if she has to scour the whole camp to find him again.
so. being told if he just needed a little distance because she was a little too forward would be helpful.]
Thank you. [there's a beat.] ...I have yet to feel uncomfortable with you, too, you know. On the contrary, I... I feel very comfortable when I am with you.
I'm glad to hear that. [ there, that helps loosen up any real concern. small smile present still, he just looks -- really fond, down at flayn, a little pleased, a genuine little spark of warmth that's going to be following him for days.
flayn has done so much for him. in terms of many of his other small relationships that he's started to build in camp - they probably wouldn't have existed without her gentle coaxing, all the way back at the island. she's pulled him out of his comfort zone, but never in a way he wasn't able to handle. never in a way that did anything bad; on the contrary, it seemed to just make things better. bit by bit, week by week, he's stepped slowly out of his reclusive shell.
...and now this. what a nice, strange change. ]
If you feel that I'm trustworthy in any sort of manner, then... that makes me quite happy, my lady. [ the corner of his mouth lifts a little higher, a loose butterfly in his chest like one of chengzhu's. ] And if there's as always anything I can do to help make you happy, I'll do so.
[it goes beyond just finding him trustworthy. she could put her life into his hands without a moment's worry - he's already proven, again and again, that she can trust him. she just hopes that he trusts her, too.
...he at least trusts her with moments like this.
she smiles up at him.]
I will, too. I want you to be very happy. [if she can actually make him happy - that, in and of itself, is a miracle.] ...you deserve that.
[ aw. now he has to really duck his head, feeling embarrassed, but it's because the emotion is overwhelming. yin yu's bad at expressing himself... all the time, and this feels really important. he doesn't want to say it wrong.
and he's not so sure that he deserves much of any of this, but. doesn't that make it more important? the warmth in his chest is cloying, but not unpleasant, and yin yu nods. he is happy. he just. he doesn't know how to say it, really. ]
[ eventually, he looks down between them, down at flayn's hands. the same ones that have held his now, over and over.
he admits, softly, honestly: ] I...have not been a very happy person. [ and he hasn't been for most of his life. flayn can probably figure that much out, from the memory she saw.
...in fact - and maybe he should've expected it - the memory sharing dips into effect. it's not a very long memory: only a few minutes.
the memory opens to just... nothing. standing in yin yu's shoes, you can't feel anything but despair, numbness. utter misery.
you looks down at your hands, holding a stick of incense, and you turn your wrist, the cursed shackle of your banishment still fresh and red against your skin. you stand in the shadow of a temple, beautiful, bright red, the curled roof gold, and then near you, a tiny altar, untouched, roof broken, barely up to your knee.
you are hungry. you are tired. you shouldn't have to feel these things but you haven't eaten in almost a week and you feel empty. you've never felt more despondent, as you stare at this tiny little shrine and feel no spiritual connection. no pulse to it. you should - the tiny shrine bears your name.
you sit down; you collapse. behind you, you can hear the angry rattling of a resentful spirit, shouting something unintelligible, and your heart squeezes, even though it feels like it's been wrung dry. jian yu haunts your footsteps, his resentment making him furious, gone. maybe he'll kill you. you hope so.
you close your eyes when you feel jian yu move, preparing yourself. you don't want to fight. you never wanted to fight.
and you hear a voice.
"Do you want to live?"
it's deeper than you're expecting. the question surprises you.
you look up, and the awesome amount of spiritual pressure behind you almost knocks you off of your feet. a man in red stands there; a silver wraith butterfly flits across your vision.
"--Crimson Rain Sought Flower," you say, stunned.
"Do you want to live?" he repeats. the ghost - the ghost king, the calamity - is holding jian yu by the throat.
you hesitate.
do you?
jian yu gurgles, angry, and his soul cries out for redemption. for a chance to reincarnate. to rest in peace. your heart aches.
slowly, you nod, and rise to your feet.
the memory flashes. it moves to a gravestone, in the same spot where that altar once was. it says jian yu, simple and plain, and your hands ache from hauling it here, from carving the characters into it. you put a lotus flower on the stone.
you stand up, and you walk forward.
the memory surprises yin yu. he breathes out, harshly, a whoosh of an exhale as an other piece of his life is stripped bare. he had more to say, but for the moment, it's surprised out of him. ]
flayn sees the memory through his eyes. there is so much she doesn't understand - but this helps slot some things into place, just a little. perhaps it is selfish, but she can't help but be glad that he nodded yes, that he accepted a chance at life.
that hua chengzhu was there, and ensured that he could have it.
(if she ever meets him, she will have to thank him.)
she stares up at him as he breathes out, and reaches for his hands to hold onto them tightly.
his hands squeeze tight in flayn's, more surprised than anything else, and...after a moment, yin yu's thumbs stroke once over the top of her hands. he shakes his head, letting out a humorless chuff of a laugh. ]
...I suppose that explains that better than I could have. [ he says, a little darkly. he hates this memory share thing, actually, with a lot of his heart. ]
[she tugs on his hands, just a little, to draw him closer to her. she doesn't know what to say. what can one say, to something like that? i want you to be happy doesn't erase how he's lived or what he's felt.
but she can, at least, try to do something to give him a happier future.
after a moment, she lets go of his hand - but only so she can wrap her arms around him and hold him close.]
it shouldn't surprise him because he knows flayn, and he knows her warmth and her kindness. he even knows that it's been directed on him. but... his breath still catches, just quietly enough that she'll hear.
...and after a slow moment, some of the tension melts out of his shoulders. he exhales the held breath a little shakily, and bows over her, slowly returning the favor. i like it when you hold me, she'd said, earlier.
yin yu likes it, too.
he gives a small squeeze, nestles his nose in her hair, and just closes his eyes for a long moment. inhaling in and out, he takes a moment for calm. to find his still water, here, fingers curling against the back of his robes on her back.
it takes a long moment for him to speak, to settle. and then, if flayn's not paying attention, she might not hear it, but. muffled into her hair, he says - ]
...you make me happy. [ quiet, so quiet. and then, again, a squeeze. it aches, like a weight in his chest he's never taken off. ] ...I'm happy.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
fishingforcompliments) wrote2020-06-06 12:53 pm
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he’s just pulling his hands back from her when she asks; yin yu tilts his head. ] Yes...?
[ ???? ]
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and that's all the warning he gets before she reaches up, eases his mask off him, and puts it on herself.]
What do you think? Do I make a convincing Xianxianyue officer?
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yin yu bites his lip, clearly trying not to laugh, and quips: ] -- Who are you, again?
[ see! unrecognizable.
(hearing flayn say his title is very cute, actually.) ]
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do xianxianyue officers giggle? they do now.
anyway, she presses her lips together into a thin line to quiet down, then bows the way she's seen him bow to her so many times, her fist pressed to the palm of her hand.]
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when she replicates his usual greeting, he pulls back just a little to do the same. fist to his hand, bowing his head. in his robe, which is way too big, and his mask, which is a little wrong on her face, flayn's yin yu impression isn't too bad.
he's smiling when he straightens, now, dark eyes twinkling a little with mirth. ] Perhaps you'll take over my spot and I'll have to retire. The ghosts would be charmed.
[ yin yu gently reaches over, fingertips to the edge of the mask, gentle. it's strange to look at it; like looking at his own reflection. ] If my lady will forgive me, this doesn't suit you very much. There's no sense in hiding.
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Perhaps! ...although it is not the ghosts I am trying to charm.
[it's just him.
when he brings his hands up to the edges of the mask, she looks back at him from behind it, but nods once. it's his mask; he can take it off if he wants to.]
...very well, but I hope you know I think the same thing about you. There is no sense in you hiding, either. You are wonderful, and I wish you would allow more people to see it.
[when he does pull the mask away, he'll find her smiling, her expression warm and gentle with affection.]
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...anyway. the smile remains on his face for a moment longer, waiting for confirmation before he tips it up, gently, about to remove it properly.
it's. listening to her say such things about him, he mentally dismisses them. because he knows flayn is biased, somehow (that she likes him for some odd reason, that she thinks he's interesting, wants to spend time around him, he will never understand why) but. no one's even attempted to really say anything like that to him since... maybe even jian yu, and even then. you are wonderful.
lifting the mask up to that expression is what nearly knocks him the fuck out, and for a moment, he's quiet, still holding it now horizontal to show her face. flayn's words mean a lot to him, in a deep, insecure part of his soul. he's so long come to accept that he is nothing, no one, and never will be anyone that to have someone consistently poke at that part of him and tell him otherwise is... it's not enough to make him believe in it, but there's a tiny, hopeful part of him that soaks it up like a sponge, desperate for the thought that to someone, yin yu is worth something beyond his abilities and his work. not the xianxianyue officer. not even the once martial god of the west. him.
he doesn't know what to say. "thank you" is wrong. she'll be upset if he dismisses it. (even if he does, mentally.) he can't say "you're right" or "i will" because neither of those things are true. how to sum up what it means, to have someone care?
yin yu rarely does things impulsively, so maybe it's not that impulsive. but, still with the mask just up enough to show that expression on her face, like the dawning sun, he ducks inwards, and presses a soft, sweet kiss against her mouth, the first one that he initiates. ]
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she knows what she hopes he's going to do, and she's not disappointed. his lips on hers are soft and warm, and she grips the fabric of his robes to keep herself steady (because he really does make her weak at the knees) as she kisses him back.
it's warm and chaste and gentle.
flayn is well aware that yin yu has difficulty expressing himself and being close to others - so it means everything to her that he's willing to put himself within her reach, that he's willing to stay. over and over and over again, even though he has a tendency to hide, when it really matters...
...he's always stayed with her.]
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...but, he allows himself to do so. even if it's very new territory, in so many ways. with flayn - who has always been a hand reaching for him - it doesn't feel quite as scary. (even if the idea of ruining it terrifies him like an eventuality, that there is no way something this good in his life could possibly last.)
the kiss lingers, this time. he tries to put that gratitude into it. thank you, for seeing me, for thinking those things, even though they aren't true, i can't tell you how much it means to me, thank you. even though yin yu has no idea what he's doing (which is an odd, vaguely anxiety inducing feeling) he perseveres forward with it anyway, and pulls back a little slowly, heart racing, as he finally lifts the mask off proper. ]
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but she's smiling. she cannot stop smiling, and the look of pure, unvarnished affection on her face is so obvious as he pulls the mask away. she would absolutely want him to keep doing that, if he wanted to.
it's nice, to have someone reach out for her, instead of being the one who has to reach out of them.
words fail her, but she looks really happy about it.]
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yin yu doesn't quite wheeze, but he half laughs and drops his head, shaking it a little, an embarrassed laugh bubbling out of his chest. he's not so flustered that he's running away - in fact, he's barely moved from where he's still settled near flayn, and he's still even smiling a little - but he cannot look at her when she's making that face because it's like looking directly into the sun. ]
...sorry. [ he says, though, much like earlier in the day, it's not for the kiss itself. it's for the fact that he's a weenie, which becomes increasingly obvious by the second. (it was probably already obvious.) ducked in low to kiss her ,his head down, he has to look up a little to meet her eyes through his lashes, a bit sheepish, shy. ] I - am not very good at this.
[ haha. understatement! ]
[ 💦 ]
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[...he's got her heart fluttering, at least - that's something! ...and it's kind of nice to see that she's not the only one caught off-guard by how much this is, although she is a little worried, at times, that his being flustered will turn into embarrassment.]
But whether you are good at it or not does not really matter. You do not have to be good at this; all you have to be is you.
[because him - just him - is more than enough for her.]
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it's a good kind of embarrassed, anyway. a squirmy, butterflies in your stomach kind. it makes him want to smile about as much as it makes him want to run off and hide and that's a lot for him.
all you have to be is you, she says. who is he, anyway? how could that possibly even come to be anywhere near enough to someone like flayn? how lucky has he been to even stand in her orbit? to do something like this just feels so absurdly, wildly out of something like a dream. ] I...
[ he's too flustered to say anything along those lines. it feels too big, some chasm of self loathing he can't even fathom beginning to cross. still, yin yu gives her a smile, a little hesitant, but...genuine. ] - I'll do my best for you, my lady. [ eventually, is what he settles on. even though his best isn't nearly good enough. if yin yu could even begin to do something that would do right by this person in front of him, it would at least be a start. he's never done anything half assed in his entire life, and if someone is going to like him still, even though he's talentless, even though he's boring, even though he had a chance to be something and it fell apart, even though he's just bad -
gods willing - or not - he's going to try his best to do it right. ]
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...flayn appreciates that thought. she does. it brings a small smile to her face, and a flush of color to her cheeks. by now, after so many weeks with yin yu, she knows that - whether he believes it or not - his best will be exceptional.
she has no idea how she could have been lucky enough to attract the attention of someone like him, but she's grateful for it.]
I - I will do my best for you, too.
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...right. okay. yeah. he should probably pull away from her. he's still kind of hovering, leaned over for the kiss from before, still holding his mask, and... doesn't...move right away, brain skipping like a record, a little stupidly.
some of that flush blotches down the side of his neck, and he stumbles mentally over what he was going to say, because he needs to at least make sure she knows - ] If...ah. If I ever make you uncomfortable or anything...please don't hesitate to tell me.
[ he doesn't want to mess that up, either. inevitably, he will. eventually flayn will figure out that she's beyond him. one day she'll recognize just how far out of his league she really is. (she... she'll learn about the island, eventually, a small, dreadful parts of him reminds him. but she learned about quan yizhen, too, and even now, she stands here. arguably nothing will ever baffle him more than that.) ]
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[after all, she had been the one to start this in the first place. she's the one who seems to endlessly fluster him - she's never really been shy about expressing how she feels (though she can put it off until it seems like a better time), but he's more reserved, and while it means everything to her that he allows her this -
she wants him to allow it because he wants to, not because he feels like he has to. each time he reaches for her, first, it makes it a little easier for her to believe that he does.]
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he can't help but laugh, a little. ] I think it would be quite obvious.
[ IE: he'd run. he knows it. she knows it. yin yu is absolutely, clearly, aware of his own personality defects and that is one of them.
but! to assuage any worry, yin yu nods, finally straightening up a bit more. ] ...but I'll tell you, although I have yet to feel that way. [ just a little embarrassed! or a lot embarrassed. it's nothing he can't handle. (and...really, every time he's been embarrassed, it's ended. pretty well. so.
aaaaa.) ] I promise.
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...but they both know that, unless he told her to stay away, to not follow him, to get out of his sight - she would run after him. even if he's too fast for her to keep up, and even if she has to scour the whole camp to find him again.
so. being told if he just needed a little distance because she was a little too forward would be helpful.]
Thank you. [there's a beat.] ...I have yet to feel uncomfortable with you, too, you know. On the contrary, I... I feel very comfortable when I am with you.
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flayn has done so much for him. in terms of many of his other small relationships that he's started to build in camp - they probably wouldn't have existed without her gentle coaxing, all the way back at the island. she's pulled him out of his comfort zone, but never in a way he wasn't able to handle. never in a way that did anything bad; on the contrary, it seemed to just make things better. bit by bit, week by week, he's stepped slowly out of his reclusive shell.
...and now this. what a nice, strange change. ]
If you feel that I'm trustworthy in any sort of manner, then... that makes me quite happy, my lady. [ the corner of his mouth lifts a little higher, a loose butterfly in his chest like one of chengzhu's. ] And if there's as always anything I can do to help make you happy, I'll do so.
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[it goes beyond just finding him trustworthy. she could put her life into his hands without a moment's worry - he's already proven, again and again, that she can trust him. she just hopes that he trusts her, too.
...he at least trusts her with moments like this.
she smiles up at him.]
I will, too. I want you to be very happy. [if she can actually make him happy - that, in and of itself, is a miracle.] ...you deserve that.
speed tags cause i know you're on lunch
and he's not so sure that he deserves much of any of this, but. doesn't that make it more important? the warmth in his chest is cloying, but not unpleasant, and yin yu nods. he is happy. he just. he doesn't know how to say it, really. ]
[ eventually, he looks down between them, down at flayn's hands. the same ones that have held his now, over and over.
he admits, softly, honestly: ] I...have not been a very happy person. [ and he hasn't been for most of his life. flayn can probably figure that much out, from the memory she saw.
...in fact - and maybe he should've expected it - the memory sharing dips into effect. it's not a very long memory: only a few minutes.
the memory opens to just... nothing. standing in yin yu's shoes, you can't feel anything but despair, numbness. utter misery.
you looks down at your hands, holding a stick of incense, and you turn your wrist, the cursed shackle of your banishment still fresh and red against your skin. you stand in the shadow of a temple, beautiful, bright red, the curled roof gold, and then near you, a tiny altar, untouched, roof broken, barely up to your knee.
you are hungry. you are tired. you shouldn't have to feel these things but you haven't eaten in almost a week and you feel empty. you've never felt more despondent, as you stare at this tiny little shrine and feel no spiritual connection. no pulse to it. you should - the tiny shrine bears your name.
you sit down; you collapse. behind you, you can hear the angry rattling of a resentful spirit, shouting something unintelligible, and your heart squeezes, even though it feels like it's been wrung dry. jian yu haunts your footsteps, his resentment making him furious, gone. maybe he'll kill you. you hope so.
you close your eyes when you feel jian yu move, preparing yourself. you don't want to fight. you never wanted to fight.
and you hear a voice.
"Do you want to live?"
it's deeper than you're expecting. the question surprises you.
you look up, and the awesome amount of spiritual pressure behind you almost knocks you off of your feet. a man in red stands there; a silver wraith butterfly flits across your vision.
"--Crimson Rain Sought Flower," you say, stunned.
"Do you want to live?" he repeats. the ghost - the ghost king, the calamity - is holding jian yu by the throat.
you hesitate.
do you?
jian yu gurgles, angry, and his soul cries out for redemption. for a chance to reincarnate. to rest in peace. your heart aches.
slowly, you nod, and rise to your feet.
the memory flashes. it moves to a gravestone, in the same spot where that altar once was. it says jian yu, simple and plain, and your hands ache from hauling it here, from carving the characters into it. you put a lotus flower on the stone.
you stand up, and you walk forward.
the memory surprises yin yu. he breathes out, harshly, a whoosh of an exhale as an other piece of his life is stripped bare. he had more to say, but for the moment, it's surprised out of him. ]
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flayn sees the memory through his eyes. there is so much she doesn't understand - but this helps slot some things into place, just a little. perhaps it is selfish, but she can't help but be glad that he nodded yes, that he accepted a chance at life.
that hua chengzhu was there, and ensured that he could have it.
(if she ever meets him, she will have to thank him.)
she stares up at him as he breathes out, and reaches for his hands to hold onto them tightly.
please don't run, she thinks.]
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his hands squeeze tight in flayn's, more surprised than anything else, and...after a moment, yin yu's thumbs stroke once over the top of her hands. he shakes his head, letting out a humorless chuff of a laugh. ]
...I suppose that explains that better than I could have. [ he says, a little darkly. he hates this memory share thing, actually, with a lot of his heart. ]
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but she can, at least, try to do something to give him a happier future.
after a moment, she lets go of his hand - but only so she can wrap her arms around him and hold him close.]
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it shouldn't surprise him because he knows flayn, and he knows her warmth and her kindness. he even knows that it's been directed on him. but... his breath still catches, just quietly enough that she'll hear.
...and after a slow moment, some of the tension melts out of his shoulders. he exhales the held breath a little shakily, and bows over her, slowly returning the favor. i like it when you hold me, she'd said, earlier.
yin yu likes it, too.
he gives a small squeeze, nestles his nose in her hair, and just closes his eyes for a long moment. inhaling in and out, he takes a moment for calm. to find his still water, here, fingers curling against the back of his robes on her back.
it takes a long moment for him to speak, to settle. and then, if flayn's not paying attention, she might not hear it, but. muffled into her hair, he says - ]
...you make me happy. [ quiet, so quiet. and then, again, a squeeze. it aches, like a weight in his chest he's never taken off. ] ...I'm happy.
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