[ what a strange and unknown feeling, to be happy. in the hundreds of years of his life, yin yu has forgotten it; his banishment was a black scar that killed the person that he ever was (if he was even that person in the first place.) all of the naivety, the joy, the warmth, the courage that he carried as a sect disciple and then, as a god, were sucked out of him as painfully as possible, day by day, until there was nothing left of him. he's been two dimensional, since, practically made of paper, vanishing out of sight.
he'd gone from feeling too much - entirely too much - to nothing, and had preferred it that way. even the tragedies on the island were buried down. he'd live with his guilt as he always had, as his bedfellow, as his shadow, and never tried to make friends or speak to others, or find joy in the presence of others, because those were things that he just couldn't have. but slowly, day after day, the little courtesies of trying to do a job well began to stack, and slowly, some of his walls had started to come down. and now...
and now, the sweet, strong warmth of happiness has started to bleed through. in all of the tragedies and traumas of this place, there is something to hold onto. what sort of an irony, that it took a forced competition of death and murder for yin yu to find a tiny sliver of light.
his fingers curl in the fabric, a little tighter, when flayn speaks, his arms just a little more secure around her. it's a minute gesture, but it's there. that means a lot to him. (yin yu is not sure when flayn is going to realize he's not worth her attention, but... a part of him so desperately wants that time never to come. even someone like him, worthless, presenceless, servant, banished god, half a person, shown by force how little he was worth, still wants to be loved.)
so of course, he means it. that surprises him, even a little. they could stand here for hours, maybe, but he doesn't want to inconvenience flayn, but... he doesn't want to let go, either. how silly and selfish. ]
I will endeavor to do so as long as I can. [ yin yu murmurs into her hair, quiet. a resolute promise to himself. whatever it takes, whatever he has to do to protect her. to keep the kind light of hers shining. if he can support her, he will do it with his entire self. ]
[they probably could stand here for hours. flayn doesn't want to let go, either. she absolutely doesn't. but it's not going to be very comfortable for either of them, to pass hour upon hour standing upright like this.
she could get used to his arms around her, though. she hopes that they'll have enough time together for her to.]
Just do not leave me. [her voice comes out in a whisper.] Promise you will stay near. That will make me happy.
[...she's outlived many people she cares about - her mother, and everyone else she had known from before her thousand-year-long nap except for her father and her aunt. she will outlive most everyone she knows from the monastery, too.
[ flayn had asked him not to run. she'd nearly pleaded with him for it - she had, when he was a coward, when he'd avoided her for a couple of days because he knew she wouldn't want to be anywhere near him. (and he was wrong; he'd been so wrong, and he's so thankful for it.)
in this place, there are no guarantees. he knows, if push were to come to shove, he would put himself on the line for her in a heartbeat, over and over. if only one of them could come out of this alive, it had to be flayn. he is no one, nothing, he is -
... to her, yin yu is someone. and it's a heavy thing to consider, the thought of being.
his arms squeeze a little tighter around her, holding her a little closer. a little more resolve. yin yu doesn't want it to go that way. he hasn't performed in any of these foolish games; he doesn't want to take the life of another person. but even so, he'd considered himself something of a sacrificial piece, ready to die in the line of duty.
but there's something on the line, now. there's someone who cares about him, who wants to stay by his side, and he wants to protect it. in this dangerous place, he wants flayn to be safe.
(he wants... maybe, yin yu can keep them safe. maybe.)
his cheek tucks against the top of her head, and he speaks with weight. trying to be reassuring, comforting. ] ...I will do everything I can. [ mindful of the place that they're in, but resolved, all the same. i don't want to leave you. ] That I can promise.
[the warmth of his arms around her, the press of his cheek against her head, and the words he speaks are reassuring. he'll feel her start to relax in his arms.
if yin yu makes a promise, then flayn knows he will do everything in his power to keep it. she has never once doubted that he is a man of his word, and he is not the type to make promises lightly. he wouldn't promise to try if he had any intention of laying down his life and leaving her behind.
so... he will be okay. he's strong, and capable, and if she can manage to survive this place, certainly he can, too.]
Thank you. [there's a beat, during which she takes a breath, and then she gives him a light squeeze.] ...come to bed with me, okay? We should... probably both get some rest.
yin yu pulls back too, loosening his fingers and letting his arms drop back to his side. he nods, glancing back, and then steps out of her way. it lets him deal with the emotional load of the moment, take a deep breath to calm his heart back to stillness.
...he also needs to change, so.
that gives him a minute to do so. yin yu is much more efficient at dealing with the various layers of his ancient china robes, so it doesn't take too long, but. methodical and careful, he folds each one nicely, back to flayn as he sets them aside. it's a bit of a rare sight, a more relaxed yin yu, his forearms bare (the black mark around his wrist more obvious), dressed in white instead of black. even the scrunchie in his hair comes off, so his dark hair falls in a neat curtain past his shoulders, scrunchie replaced to his wrist. like this he looks younger, a little less tired.
he sets his mask down on top of the pile, and turns to look over his shoulder. ]
[flayn looks politely away as he gets changed - he gave her privacy; she'll give him the same. (even if it is kind of tempting to look - but that's a temptation she's not going to think too much about. maybe she's been reading too much of the romance novel he got her.)
when he looks over his shoulder, she's still looking away.
but she's listening, too, and when she no longer hears the rustle of fabric being removed and folded, she glances back over hers.]
...um... my bunk is that one. [she points up to one of the top bunks] Is that okay?
[ that little peek gives him a second to look at flayn unguarded. his expression stays soft, and he lets himself, just for a second, admire her; the color of her hair, how she still seems to shine even in the dark cabin. it's just long enough for him to catch a stolen glance before he gets too embarrassed to keep looking and quickly finishes his task.
all said and done, yin yu ruffles a hand through his dark hair properly so it's not still half ponytail shaped, then nods. he's got a top bunk in his cabin, too - he's too tall to sit up properly on the bottom one - so it's actually a bit more convenient. ]
After you, my lady. [ with a nod! he even turns his head away as to not stare while she climbs. haha deja vu. ]
[she nods - and up she goes! once she's up, she scoots to the far side of the mattress so that yin yu will have space to get himself up and situated.
...if she's being honest, she's a little nervous. something about this feels a little more deliberate than falling asleep next to each other at curfew, but.
she peeks out at him with a small smile - it's vaguely reminiscent of when they had been on their way here weeks ago, and she'd watched him climb up from one level of the bus to the next. all at once, the time feels so very long, but also very, very short.
[ he's a little nervous too. it feels like a silly thing to be nervous about, but it's been an overwhelming few hours, and he has to take a breath to keep his emotions from jittering. really... flayn's found whatever hole he usually shoves his emotions in and just dug it right up, faster than the earth master's shovel. she worked her way into this space without him even really noticing, until suddenly it was impossible not to feel it, every piece of her warmth and kindness and friendship (and...her affection, now, too) like a shining, bright light.
he has to duck so he doesn't hit his head on the ceiling, but, yin yu makes his way up to join her, a knee coming to the bed before he's able to arrange himself properly on the mattress. this bed is really barely big enough for him even in his own cabin, normally, because he's all limbs, and he has to tuck his knees up properly to fit. sharing it with another person means they're going to have to be close, though he settles down with a respectable amount of distance.
it's certainly not the same time they've slept in the same place. once, he gave her his bed, and after that, they'd been pushed asleep by curfew nestled close around a fantasy novel, even woken up together in the hay at the petting zoo. it's not unfamiliar and extremely new territory all at once, so - it's probably not wrong to feel a little flustered, again, is it?
he shifts to nestle his head in the crook of his arm, adjusting to make sure flayn has enough space, and gives her a small smile. dark hair around his face, cheeks still a little pink, it's almost as unguarded as a look he can manage. ]
[flayn smiles back at him as he situates himself on the bed.
there is only so much room, here. but that is alright. it is not as if she actually wants to keep her distance from him. so she settles against him. her pulse is racing, but it's peaceful, too, to be here like this with him.
(gods, but she's glad he stayed.)
she lets out a small breath.]
...thank you for being here. I think I shall be able to sleep easily, tonight.
I'm glad. [ yin yu gives her a little nod, propping his cheek against his upper arm as he gets comfortable. he's not entirely sure where to put his other hand: there's not much space between them, now, and flayn is warm and comfortable up against his side, a new weight, and one that he definitely does not mind. even if it's embarrassing.
after a long moment, yin yu shifts to let his arm gently fall around her shoulders. i like it when you hold me, flayn had said, and... he likes it too. like this, it feels like there's not a camp outside, like there won't be an execution in the morning. even if those worries are ever present, for a moment, yin yu's consistently anxious mind is... it's quiet. he's at peace, or as at peace as he can be. ]
...I think so, too. [ he'll be able to sleep. he hopes. he thinks.
his thumb strokes against her shoulder, gentle, unconsciously. just because it's there, just to remind himself it's real. ] I hope that you will have a peaceful rest, my lady, and pleasant dreams.
flayn's arm comes to rest around him as she relaxes against him. like this, he may not be able to see her face quite as well, but her expression is fond - if a little melancholy. it's nice, knowing that he wants that for her.]
I do not often have that.
[she says it gently. not because she wants him to feel bad for her, but - so that he knows just how remarkable it is that he's able to bring her this sort of peace.]
I do not often sleep easily at all. But, with you...
[well.
with him, she doesn't fear that he will be gone in the morning, taken somewhere far beyond her reach.]
[ despite the tight space, this is really, really comfortable. cozy, almost. the chill from the badly insulated cabins is nonexistent, but just to block the last bit of it out, he reaches for covers to pull up, too, to keep them both warm. one last, protective little gesture, just to make sure everything is comfortable, that everything is just right.
what she's saying moves something in his chest in empathy. he doesn't often sleep peacefully, either. yin yu spends his nights patrolling the ghost city, because that's when it's the liveliest; he protects its residents from harm (and from each other) in the latest of hours.
maybe he can protect flayn at night, too. ] There's nothing to force either of us to sleep this time. [ he says, a faint hint of amusement to his tone. ] ...but if you think that I can help, I'm happy to do so.
[ this is definitely not a struggle. ] Is there anything I can do to ease your mind to make sleeping easier? [ besides this? maybe he can tell her a story. ]
...the truth is, I am... I am afraid of sleeping. [from her memories, and from the bit on her profile about her 1088-year-long nap - he can probably guess why. she'll explain, though.] I worry that I will not be able to awake for years upon years, and that when I do, most everyone I know and love will have vanished.
[...as her mother did.]
So, as long as you are still here when I wake...
[she can sleep peacefully, knowing he'll still be with her when she wakes up. he promised.]
Edited (fuckin html. fuckin spelling. my god. goes back to sleep) 2020-07-14 14:23 (UTC)
he thinks, quietly, i'd wait. for the hundreds of years of his miserable life, waiting for someone if that were to happen wouldn't be so bad. it's what chengzhu did, isn't it? for eight hundred years, he searched for taizi dianxia, and never stopped. yin yu's experienced it. he's helped him look.
he's not prone to such loud declarations of love or devotion. it's a lot to even think such a thing, a little sobering. but for all of the misery that yin yu has been through in his own long existence in what is more or less a purgatory, to think that there could be a light at the end of a tunnel would be a kindness. if she couldn't wake, then he'd... he'd do his best to make sure he was standing there, when she did.
if flayn has done him the honor of seeing him, of refusing to let him vanish, then he won't vanish on her, either. if he's been seen, then he'll try to stay that way, now, cast into the light for the first time since his banishment.
but, right now, it's just one night. that is easy.
his arm squeezes around her shoulders, closing his eyes. just soft enough to be heard: ] If you have me, then I'll stay, my lady. I'll be here.
tomorrow has the potential to be disastrous. tonight, though - if they take the night on its own, only for what it is, and ignore what happened before it and what might happen after - it is perfect.
Live our lives fully, flayn remembers as her eyes flutter shut and she snuggles into yin yu's side. In the present moment.
it mingles together with I'll stay, I'll be here.
when he says that, she can believe it.]
Then I shall see you in the morning.
[her heart gives a small thrill at that - to be able to see him, first thing, when she opens here eyes... that seems like a miracle in and of itself.]
[ with a quiet hum, yin yu nods, agreeing. he promised to stay; he'll stay.
(to protect this person, for as long as he can. if his miserable life can be used to help someone else, then--that's all he could ever ask for. how nice it is, for a moment, to feel loved, valued, cherished. wanted. seen. there are no words that can encapsulate how important that is for yin yu.) ]
Goodnight, my lady.
[ flayn will have to be paying attention, but. as he settles in more comfortably, cheek turned slightly against the pillows, he tips his head down a bit more, and presses a soft, lingering kiss to the top of her head, letting his eyes close, too. ]
[the kiss to the top of her head comes just as she's drifting off to sleep.
for one brief moment, flayn allows herself to hope that it was real - that it wasn't just wishful thinking. that, somehow, yin yu was here with her tonight not because he felt it was a task or a duty he had to perform, but because he wanted to be.
...that whatever else is happening with lili, right now, her emotions are under control. if they are, then that means the small gesture of affection was all yin yu.
if it wasn't him, she doesn't want to know.
between one breath and the next, flayn slips into slumber, and sleeps peacefully for the first time in a long, long while. she's safe here, tucked against yin yu's side, wrapped up in his arms.]
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fishingforcompliments) wrote2020-06-06 12:53 pm
no subject
he'd gone from feeling too much - entirely too much - to nothing, and had preferred it that way. even the tragedies on the island were buried down. he'd live with his guilt as he always had, as his bedfellow, as his shadow, and never tried to make friends or speak to others, or find joy in the presence of others, because those were things that he just couldn't have. but slowly, day after day, the little courtesies of trying to do a job well began to stack, and slowly, some of his walls had started to come down. and now...
and now, the sweet, strong warmth of happiness has started to bleed through. in all of the tragedies and traumas of this place, there is something to hold onto. what sort of an irony, that it took a forced competition of death and murder for yin yu to find a tiny sliver of light.
his fingers curl in the fabric, a little tighter, when flayn speaks, his arms just a little more secure around her. it's a minute gesture, but it's there. that means a lot to him. (yin yu is not sure when flayn is going to realize he's not worth her attention, but... a part of him so desperately wants that time never to come. even someone like him, worthless, presenceless, servant, banished god, half a person, shown by force how little he was worth, still wants to be loved.)
so of course, he means it. that surprises him, even a little. they could stand here for hours, maybe, but he doesn't want to inconvenience flayn, but... he doesn't want to let go, either. how silly and selfish. ]
I will endeavor to do so as long as I can. [ yin yu murmurs into her hair, quiet. a resolute promise to himself. whatever it takes, whatever he has to do to protect her. to keep the kind light of hers shining. if he can support her, he will do it with his entire self. ]
no subject
she could get used to his arms around her, though. she hopes that they'll have enough time together for her to.]
Just do not leave me. [her voice comes out in a whisper.] Promise you will stay near. That will make me happy.
[...she's outlived many people she cares about - her mother, and everyone else she had known from before her thousand-year-long nap except for her father and her aunt. she will outlive most everyone she knows from the monastery, too.
being left scares her most of all.
it's a terrible thing, to be left behind.]
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in this place, there are no guarantees. he knows, if push were to come to shove, he would put himself on the line for her in a heartbeat, over and over. if only one of them could come out of this alive, it had to be flayn. he is no one, nothing, he is -
... to her, yin yu is someone. and it's a heavy thing to consider, the thought of being.
his arms squeeze a little tighter around her, holding her a little closer. a little more resolve. yin yu doesn't want it to go that way. he hasn't performed in any of these foolish games; he doesn't want to take the life of another person. but even so, he'd considered himself something of a sacrificial piece, ready to die in the line of duty.
but there's something on the line, now. there's someone who cares about him, who wants to stay by his side, and he wants to protect it. in this dangerous place, he wants flayn to be safe.
(he wants... maybe, yin yu can keep them safe. maybe.)
his cheek tucks against the top of her head, and he speaks with weight. trying to be reassuring, comforting. ] ...I will do everything I can. [ mindful of the place that they're in, but resolved, all the same. i don't want to leave you. ] That I can promise.
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if yin yu makes a promise, then flayn knows he will do everything in his power to keep it. she has never once doubted that he is a man of his word, and he is not the type to make promises lightly. he wouldn't promise to try if he had any intention of laying down his life and leaving her behind.
so... he will be okay. he's strong, and capable, and if she can manage to survive this place, certainly he can, too.]
Thank you. [there's a beat, during which she takes a breath, and then she gives him a light squeeze.] ...come to bed with me, okay? We should... probably both get some rest.
no subject
yin yu pulls back too, loosening his fingers and letting his arms drop back to his side. he nods, glancing back, and then steps out of her way. it lets him deal with the emotional load of the moment, take a deep breath to calm his heart back to stillness.
...he also needs to change, so.
that gives him a minute to do so. yin yu is much more efficient at dealing with the various layers of his ancient china robes, so it doesn't take too long, but. methodical and careful, he folds each one nicely, back to flayn as he sets them aside. it's a bit of a rare sight, a more relaxed yin yu, his forearms bare (the black mark around his wrist more obvious), dressed in white instead of black. even the scrunchie in his hair comes off, so his dark hair falls in a neat curtain past his shoulders, scrunchie replaced to his wrist. like this he looks younger, a little less tired.
he sets his mask down on top of the pile, and turns to look over his shoulder. ]
no subject
when he looks over his shoulder, she's still looking away.
but she's listening, too, and when she no longer hears the rustle of fabric being removed and folded, she glances back over hers.]
...um... my bunk is that one. [she points up to one of the top bunks] Is that okay?
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all said and done, yin yu ruffles a hand through his dark hair properly so it's not still half ponytail shaped, then nods. he's got a top bunk in his cabin, too - he's too tall to sit up properly on the bottom one - so it's actually a bit more convenient. ]
After you, my lady. [ with a nod! he even turns his head away as to not stare while she climbs. haha deja vu. ]
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...if she's being honest, she's a little nervous. something about this feels a little more deliberate than falling asleep next to each other at curfew, but.
she peeks out at him with a small smile - it's vaguely reminiscent of when they had been on their way here weeks ago, and she'd watched him climb up from one level of the bus to the next. all at once, the time feels so very long, but also very, very short.
has it really only been a few weeks...?]
Ah, please come on up...
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he has to duck so he doesn't hit his head on the ceiling, but, yin yu makes his way up to join her, a knee coming to the bed before he's able to arrange himself properly on the mattress. this bed is really barely big enough for him even in his own cabin, normally, because he's all limbs, and he has to tuck his knees up properly to fit. sharing it with another person means they're going to have to be close, though he settles down with a respectable amount of distance.
it's certainly not the same time they've slept in the same place. once, he gave her his bed, and after that, they'd been pushed asleep by curfew nestled close around a fantasy novel, even woken up together in the hay at the petting zoo. it's not unfamiliar and extremely new territory all at once, so - it's probably not wrong to feel a little flustered, again, is it?
he shifts to nestle his head in the crook of his arm, adjusting to make sure flayn has enough space, and gives her a small smile. dark hair around his face, cheeks still a little pink, it's almost as unguarded as a look he can manage. ]
no subject
there is only so much room, here. but that is alright. it is not as if she actually wants to keep her distance from him. so she settles against him. her pulse is racing, but it's peaceful, too, to be here like this with him.
(gods, but she's glad he stayed.)
she lets out a small breath.]
...thank you for being here. I think I shall be able to sleep easily, tonight.
[and she dos not often sleep easily.]
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after a long moment, yin yu shifts to let his arm gently fall around her shoulders. i like it when you hold me, flayn had said, and... he likes it too. like this, it feels like there's not a camp outside, like there won't be an execution in the morning. even if those worries are ever present, for a moment, yin yu's consistently anxious mind is... it's quiet. he's at peace, or as at peace as he can be. ]
...I think so, too. [ he'll be able to sleep. he hopes. he thinks.
his thumb strokes against her shoulder, gentle, unconsciously. just because it's there, just to remind himself it's real. ] I hope that you will have a peaceful rest, my lady, and pleasant dreams.
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flayn's arm comes to rest around him as she relaxes against him. like this, he may not be able to see her face quite as well, but her expression is fond - if a little melancholy. it's nice, knowing that he wants that for her.]
I do not often have that.
[she says it gently. not because she wants him to feel bad for her, but - so that he knows just how remarkable it is that he's able to bring her this sort of peace.]
I do not often sleep easily at all. But, with you...
[well.
with him, she doesn't fear that he will be gone in the morning, taken somewhere far beyond her reach.]
no subject
what she's saying moves something in his chest in empathy. he doesn't often sleep peacefully, either. yin yu spends his nights patrolling the ghost city, because that's when it's the liveliest; he protects its residents from harm (and from each other) in the latest of hours.
maybe he can protect flayn at night, too. ] There's nothing to force either of us to sleep this time. [ he says, a faint hint of amusement to his tone. ] ...but if you think that I can help, I'm happy to do so.
[ this is definitely not a struggle. ] Is there anything I can do to ease your mind to make sleeping easier? [ besides this? maybe he can tell her a story. ]
no subject
[more than enough.]
...the truth is, I am... I am afraid of sleeping. [from her memories, and from the bit on her profile about her 1088-year-long nap - he can probably guess why. she'll explain, though.] I worry that I will not be able to awake for years upon years, and that when I do, most everyone I know and love will have vanished.
[...as her mother did.]
So, as long as you are still here when I wake...
[she can sleep peacefully, knowing he'll still be with her when she wakes up. he promised.]
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he thinks, quietly, i'd wait. for the hundreds of years of his miserable life, waiting for someone if that were to happen wouldn't be so bad. it's what chengzhu did, isn't it? for eight hundred years, he searched for taizi dianxia, and never stopped. yin yu's experienced it. he's helped him look.
he's not prone to such loud declarations of love or devotion. it's a lot to even think such a thing, a little sobering. but for all of the misery that yin yu has been through in his own long existence in what is more or less a purgatory, to think that there could be a light at the end of a tunnel would be a kindness. if she couldn't wake, then he'd... he'd do his best to make sure he was standing there, when she did.
if flayn has done him the honor of seeing him, of refusing to let him vanish, then he won't vanish on her, either. if he's been seen, then he'll try to stay that way, now, cast into the light for the first time since his banishment.
but, right now, it's just one night. that is easy.
his arm squeezes around her shoulders, closing his eyes. just soft enough to be heard: ] If you have me, then I'll stay, my lady. I'll be here.
[ it might be nice, for once, to sleep in. ]
no subject
tomorrow has the potential to be disastrous. tonight, though - if they take the night on its own, only for what it is, and ignore what happened before it and what might happen after - it is perfect.
Live our lives fully, flayn remembers as her eyes flutter shut and she snuggles into yin yu's side. In the present moment.
it mingles together with I'll stay, I'll be here.
when he says that, she can believe it.]
Then I shall see you in the morning.
[her heart gives a small thrill at that - to be able to see him, first thing, when she opens here eyes... that seems like a miracle in and of itself.]
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(to protect this person, for as long as he can. if his miserable life can be used to help someone else, then--that's all he could ever ask for. how nice it is, for a moment, to feel loved, valued, cherished. wanted. seen. there are no words that can encapsulate how important that is for yin yu.) ]
Goodnight, my lady.
[ flayn will have to be paying attention, but. as he settles in more comfortably, cheek turned slightly against the pillows, he tips his head down a bit more, and presses a soft, lingering kiss to the top of her head, letting his eyes close, too. ]
no subject
for one brief moment, flayn allows herself to hope that it was real - that it wasn't just wishful thinking. that, somehow, yin yu was here with her tonight not because he felt it was a task or a duty he had to perform, but because he wanted to be.
...that whatever else is happening with lili, right now, her emotions are under control. if they are, then that means the small gesture of affection was all yin yu.
if it wasn't him, she doesn't want to know.
between one breath and the next, flayn slips into slumber, and sleeps peacefully for the first time in a long, long while. she's safe here, tucked against yin yu's side, wrapped up in his arms.]