[her heart gives a leap as he ducks down and leans in.
she knows what she hopes he's going to do, and she's not disappointed. his lips on hers are soft and warm, and she grips the fabric of his robes to keep herself steady (because he really does make her weak at the knees) as she kisses him back.
it's warm and chaste and gentle.
flayn is well aware that yin yu has difficulty expressing himself and being close to others - so it means everything to her that he's willing to put himself within her reach, that he's willing to stay. over and over and over again, even though he has a tendency to hide, when it really matters...
[ for a moment, he's about to pull back too quickly, anxiety jumping that it was probably too much - why would you do that, she wouldn't want you to - but flayn's fingers gripping tight to the front of his robes act as an anchor. it feels like every emotional part of him is all mixed up, gratitude and warmth and happiness and confusion and self loathing and anxiety all at once. for someone who hasn't felt a lot in a long time, it's very disorienting to suddenly just feel.
...but, he allows himself to do so. even if it's very new territory, in so many ways. with flayn - who has always been a hand reaching for him - it doesn't feel quite as scary. (even if the idea of ruining it terrifies him like an eventuality, that there is no way something this good in his life could possibly last.)
the kiss lingers, this time. he tries to put that gratitude into it. thank you, for seeing me, for thinking those things, even though they aren't true, i can't tell you how much it means to me, thank you. even though yin yu has no idea what he's doing (which is an odd, vaguely anxiety inducing feeling) he perseveres forward with it anyway, and pulls back a little slowly, heart racing, as he finally lifts the mask off proper. ]
[by the time he pulls back, flayn's cheeks are red, and her heart feels so full it might burst.
but she's smiling. she cannot stop smiling, and the look of pure, unvarnished affection on her face is so obvious as he pulls the mask away. she would absolutely want him to keep doing that, if he wanted to.
it's nice, to have someone reach out for her, instead of being the one who has to reach out of them.
words fail her, but she looks really happy about it.]
[ color bursts all over yin yu's face pretty much the minute she starts looking at him like that. the smile, the warmth, the affection, her red cheeks, he is not strong enough--
yin yu doesn't quite wheeze, but he half laughs and drops his head, shaking it a little, an embarrassed laugh bubbling out of his chest. he's not so flustered that he's running away - in fact, he's barely moved from where he's still settled near flayn, and he's still even smiling a little - but he cannot look at her when she's making that face because it's like looking directly into the sun. ]
...sorry. [ he says, though, much like earlier in the day, it's not for the kiss itself. it's for the fact that he's a weenie, which becomes increasingly obvious by the second. (it was probably already obvious.) ducked in low to kiss her ,his head down, he has to look up a little to meet her eyes through his lashes, a bit sheepish, shy. ] I - am not very good at this.
[...he's got her heart fluttering, at least - that's something! ...and it's kind of nice to see that she's not the only one caught off-guard by how much this is, although she is a little worried, at times, that his being flustered will turn into embarrassment.]
But whether you are good at it or not does not really matter. You do not have to be good at this; all you have to be is you.
[because him - just him - is more than enough for her.]
[ it is always embarrassment. but, you know, as far as today has gone, this is one of the less embarrassing moments. he will mentally unpack everything that led to where they are right now at least thirty times later, and be mortified at various parts of it from start to finish.
it's a good kind of embarrassed, anyway. a squirmy, butterflies in your stomach kind. it makes him want to smile about as much as it makes him want to run off and hide and that's a lot for him.
all you have to be is you, she says. who is he, anyway? how could that possibly even come to be anywhere near enough to someone like flayn? how lucky has he been to even stand in her orbit? to do something like this just feels so absurdly, wildly out of something like a dream. ] I...
[ he's too flustered to say anything along those lines. it feels too big, some chasm of self loathing he can't even fathom beginning to cross. still, yin yu gives her a smile, a little hesitant, but...genuine. ] - I'll do my best for you, my lady. [ eventually, is what he settles on. even though his best isn't nearly good enough. if yin yu could even begin to do something that would do right by this person in front of him, it would at least be a start. he's never done anything half assed in his entire life, and if someone is going to like him still, even though he's talentless, even though he's boring, even though he had a chance to be something and it fell apart, even though he's just bad -
gods willing - or not - he's going to try his best to do it right. ]
...flayn appreciates that thought. she does. it brings a small smile to her face, and a flush of color to her cheeks. by now, after so many weeks with yin yu, she knows that - whether he believes it or not - his best will be exceptional.
she has no idea how she could have been lucky enough to attract the attention of someone like him, but she's grateful for it.]
[ yin yu can't help but smile a little back at her too, though, less hesitant. there's affection in his eyes, even if it's quiet, a warmth that fills his expression that he would think to be practically foreign if he could see it on his face. yin yu nods, because flayn... flayn is always doing her best, too. and her best is eons beyond his, because the earnest way that she tries, that she does things - even when she fails, sometimes - is so heartening that it feels light just to be in her presence. it's comforting. it's really nice.
...right. okay. yeah. he should probably pull away from her. he's still kind of hovering, leaned over for the kiss from before, still holding his mask, and... doesn't...move right away, brain skipping like a record, a little stupidly.
some of that flush blotches down the side of his neck, and he stumbles mentally over what he was going to say, because he needs to at least make sure she knows - ] If...ah. If I ever make you uncomfortable or anything...please don't hesitate to tell me.
[ he doesn't want to mess that up, either. inevitably, he will. eventually flayn will figure out that she's beyond him. one day she'll recognize just how far out of his league she really is. (she... she'll learn about the island, eventually, a small, dreadful parts of him reminds him. but she learned about quan yizhen, too, and even now, she stands here. arguably nothing will ever baffle him more than that.) ]
...I think perhaps I ought to be the one telling you that.
[after all, she had been the one to start this in the first place. she's the one who seems to endlessly fluster him - she's never really been shy about expressing how she feels (though she can put it off until it seems like a better time), but he's more reserved, and while it means everything to her that he allows her this -
she wants him to allow it because he wants to, not because he feels like he has to. each time he reaches for her, first, it makes it a little easier for her to believe that he does.]
he can't help but laugh, a little. ] I think it would be quite obvious.
[ IE: he'd run. he knows it. she knows it. yin yu is absolutely, clearly, aware of his own personality defects and that is one of them.
but! to assuage any worry, yin yu nods, finally straightening up a bit more. ] ...but I'll tell you, although I have yet to feel that way. [ just a little embarrassed! or a lot embarrassed. it's nothing he can't handle. (and...really, every time he's been embarrassed, it's ended. pretty well. so.
...but they both know that, unless he told her to stay away, to not follow him, to get out of his sight - she would run after him. even if he's too fast for her to keep up, and even if she has to scour the whole camp to find him again.
so. being told if he just needed a little distance because she was a little too forward would be helpful.]
Thank you. [there's a beat.] ...I have yet to feel uncomfortable with you, too, you know. On the contrary, I... I feel very comfortable when I am with you.
I'm glad to hear that. [ there, that helps loosen up any real concern. small smile present still, he just looks -- really fond, down at flayn, a little pleased, a genuine little spark of warmth that's going to be following him for days.
flayn has done so much for him. in terms of many of his other small relationships that he's started to build in camp - they probably wouldn't have existed without her gentle coaxing, all the way back at the island. she's pulled him out of his comfort zone, but never in a way he wasn't able to handle. never in a way that did anything bad; on the contrary, it seemed to just make things better. bit by bit, week by week, he's stepped slowly out of his reclusive shell.
...and now this. what a nice, strange change. ]
If you feel that I'm trustworthy in any sort of manner, then... that makes me quite happy, my lady. [ the corner of his mouth lifts a little higher, a loose butterfly in his chest like one of chengzhu's. ] And if there's as always anything I can do to help make you happy, I'll do so.
[it goes beyond just finding him trustworthy. she could put her life into his hands without a moment's worry - he's already proven, again and again, that she can trust him. she just hopes that he trusts her, too.
...he at least trusts her with moments like this.
she smiles up at him.]
I will, too. I want you to be very happy. [if she can actually make him happy - that, in and of itself, is a miracle.] ...you deserve that.
[ aw. now he has to really duck his head, feeling embarrassed, but it's because the emotion is overwhelming. yin yu's bad at expressing himself... all the time, and this feels really important. he doesn't want to say it wrong.
and he's not so sure that he deserves much of any of this, but. doesn't that make it more important? the warmth in his chest is cloying, but not unpleasant, and yin yu nods. he is happy. he just. he doesn't know how to say it, really. ]
[ eventually, he looks down between them, down at flayn's hands. the same ones that have held his now, over and over.
he admits, softly, honestly: ] I...have not been a very happy person. [ and he hasn't been for most of his life. flayn can probably figure that much out, from the memory she saw.
...in fact - and maybe he should've expected it - the memory sharing dips into effect. it's not a very long memory: only a few minutes.
the memory opens to just... nothing. standing in yin yu's shoes, you can't feel anything but despair, numbness. utter misery.
you looks down at your hands, holding a stick of incense, and you turn your wrist, the cursed shackle of your banishment still fresh and red against your skin. you stand in the shadow of a temple, beautiful, bright red, the curled roof gold, and then near you, a tiny altar, untouched, roof broken, barely up to your knee.
you are hungry. you are tired. you shouldn't have to feel these things but you haven't eaten in almost a week and you feel empty. you've never felt more despondent, as you stare at this tiny little shrine and feel no spiritual connection. no pulse to it. you should - the tiny shrine bears your name.
you sit down; you collapse. behind you, you can hear the angry rattling of a resentful spirit, shouting something unintelligible, and your heart squeezes, even though it feels like it's been wrung dry. jian yu haunts your footsteps, his resentment making him furious, gone. maybe he'll kill you. you hope so.
you close your eyes when you feel jian yu move, preparing yourself. you don't want to fight. you never wanted to fight.
and you hear a voice.
"Do you want to live?"
it's deeper than you're expecting. the question surprises you.
you look up, and the awesome amount of spiritual pressure behind you almost knocks you off of your feet. a man in red stands there; a silver wraith butterfly flits across your vision.
"--Crimson Rain Sought Flower," you say, stunned.
"Do you want to live?" he repeats. the ghost - the ghost king, the calamity - is holding jian yu by the throat.
you hesitate.
do you?
jian yu gurgles, angry, and his soul cries out for redemption. for a chance to reincarnate. to rest in peace. your heart aches.
slowly, you nod, and rise to your feet.
the memory flashes. it moves to a gravestone, in the same spot where that altar once was. it says jian yu, simple and plain, and your hands ache from hauling it here, from carving the characters into it. you put a lotus flower on the stone.
you stand up, and you walk forward.
the memory surprises yin yu. he breathes out, harshly, a whoosh of an exhale as an other piece of his life is stripped bare. he had more to say, but for the moment, it's surprised out of him. ]
flayn sees the memory through his eyes. there is so much she doesn't understand - but this helps slot some things into place, just a little. perhaps it is selfish, but she can't help but be glad that he nodded yes, that he accepted a chance at life.
that hua chengzhu was there, and ensured that he could have it.
(if she ever meets him, she will have to thank him.)
she stares up at him as he breathes out, and reaches for his hands to hold onto them tightly.
his hands squeeze tight in flayn's, more surprised than anything else, and...after a moment, yin yu's thumbs stroke once over the top of her hands. he shakes his head, letting out a humorless chuff of a laugh. ]
...I suppose that explains that better than I could have. [ he says, a little darkly. he hates this memory share thing, actually, with a lot of his heart. ]
[she tugs on his hands, just a little, to draw him closer to her. she doesn't know what to say. what can one say, to something like that? i want you to be happy doesn't erase how he's lived or what he's felt.
but she can, at least, try to do something to give him a happier future.
after a moment, she lets go of his hand - but only so she can wrap her arms around him and hold him close.]
it shouldn't surprise him because he knows flayn, and he knows her warmth and her kindness. he even knows that it's been directed on him. but... his breath still catches, just quietly enough that she'll hear.
...and after a slow moment, some of the tension melts out of his shoulders. he exhales the held breath a little shakily, and bows over her, slowly returning the favor. i like it when you hold me, she'd said, earlier.
yin yu likes it, too.
he gives a small squeeze, nestles his nose in her hair, and just closes his eyes for a long moment. inhaling in and out, he takes a moment for calm. to find his still water, here, fingers curling against the back of his robes on her back.
it takes a long moment for him to speak, to settle. and then, if flayn's not paying attention, she might not hear it, but. muffled into her hair, he says - ]
...you make me happy. [ quiet, so quiet. and then, again, a squeeze. it aches, like a weight in his chest he's never taken off. ] ...I'm happy.
flayn isn't sure when it happened, but yin yu has become someone she is acutely aware of - or perhaps it is more accurate to say that she has become someone who is acutely aware of him. she knows when he's near, because his mere presence brings her peace.
she listens when he talks, because his every word is so important.
hearing this makes her heart feel so full it might burst. he doesn't speak carelessly, so if he says it - he must mean it, right? ...if she's able to make him happy, if she's been able to do him even a little bit of good, then...]
You make me happy, too.
[...then maybe it isn't so selfish to want to stay by his side. maybe it isn't so selfish of her to reach out for the happiness that he brings her, despite the misery all around him.
maybe she doesn't have to wait until this is over after all.]
[ what a strange and unknown feeling, to be happy. in the hundreds of years of his life, yin yu has forgotten it; his banishment was a black scar that killed the person that he ever was (if he was even that person in the first place.) all of the naivety, the joy, the warmth, the courage that he carried as a sect disciple and then, as a god, were sucked out of him as painfully as possible, day by day, until there was nothing left of him. he's been two dimensional, since, practically made of paper, vanishing out of sight.
he'd gone from feeling too much - entirely too much - to nothing, and had preferred it that way. even the tragedies on the island were buried down. he'd live with his guilt as he always had, as his bedfellow, as his shadow, and never tried to make friends or speak to others, or find joy in the presence of others, because those were things that he just couldn't have. but slowly, day after day, the little courtesies of trying to do a job well began to stack, and slowly, some of his walls had started to come down. and now...
and now, the sweet, strong warmth of happiness has started to bleed through. in all of the tragedies and traumas of this place, there is something to hold onto. what sort of an irony, that it took a forced competition of death and murder for yin yu to find a tiny sliver of light.
his fingers curl in the fabric, a little tighter, when flayn speaks, his arms just a little more secure around her. it's a minute gesture, but it's there. that means a lot to him. (yin yu is not sure when flayn is going to realize he's not worth her attention, but... a part of him so desperately wants that time never to come. even someone like him, worthless, presenceless, servant, banished god, half a person, shown by force how little he was worth, still wants to be loved.)
so of course, he means it. that surprises him, even a little. they could stand here for hours, maybe, but he doesn't want to inconvenience flayn, but... he doesn't want to let go, either. how silly and selfish. ]
I will endeavor to do so as long as I can. [ yin yu murmurs into her hair, quiet. a resolute promise to himself. whatever it takes, whatever he has to do to protect her. to keep the kind light of hers shining. if he can support her, he will do it with his entire self. ]
[they probably could stand here for hours. flayn doesn't want to let go, either. she absolutely doesn't. but it's not going to be very comfortable for either of them, to pass hour upon hour standing upright like this.
she could get used to his arms around her, though. she hopes that they'll have enough time together for her to.]
Just do not leave me. [her voice comes out in a whisper.] Promise you will stay near. That will make me happy.
[...she's outlived many people she cares about - her mother, and everyone else she had known from before her thousand-year-long nap except for her father and her aunt. she will outlive most everyone she knows from the monastery, too.
[ flayn had asked him not to run. she'd nearly pleaded with him for it - she had, when he was a coward, when he'd avoided her for a couple of days because he knew she wouldn't want to be anywhere near him. (and he was wrong; he'd been so wrong, and he's so thankful for it.)
in this place, there are no guarantees. he knows, if push were to come to shove, he would put himself on the line for her in a heartbeat, over and over. if only one of them could come out of this alive, it had to be flayn. he is no one, nothing, he is -
... to her, yin yu is someone. and it's a heavy thing to consider, the thought of being.
his arms squeeze a little tighter around her, holding her a little closer. a little more resolve. yin yu doesn't want it to go that way. he hasn't performed in any of these foolish games; he doesn't want to take the life of another person. but even so, he'd considered himself something of a sacrificial piece, ready to die in the line of duty.
but there's something on the line, now. there's someone who cares about him, who wants to stay by his side, and he wants to protect it. in this dangerous place, he wants flayn to be safe.
(he wants... maybe, yin yu can keep them safe. maybe.)
his cheek tucks against the top of her head, and he speaks with weight. trying to be reassuring, comforting. ] ...I will do everything I can. [ mindful of the place that they're in, but resolved, all the same. i don't want to leave you. ] That I can promise.
[the warmth of his arms around her, the press of his cheek against her head, and the words he speaks are reassuring. he'll feel her start to relax in his arms.
if yin yu makes a promise, then flayn knows he will do everything in his power to keep it. she has never once doubted that he is a man of his word, and he is not the type to make promises lightly. he wouldn't promise to try if he had any intention of laying down his life and leaving her behind.
so... he will be okay. he's strong, and capable, and if she can manage to survive this place, certainly he can, too.]
Thank you. [there's a beat, during which she takes a breath, and then she gives him a light squeeze.] ...come to bed with me, okay? We should... probably both get some rest.
yin yu pulls back too, loosening his fingers and letting his arms drop back to his side. he nods, glancing back, and then steps out of her way. it lets him deal with the emotional load of the moment, take a deep breath to calm his heart back to stillness.
...he also needs to change, so.
that gives him a minute to do so. yin yu is much more efficient at dealing with the various layers of his ancient china robes, so it doesn't take too long, but. methodical and careful, he folds each one nicely, back to flayn as he sets them aside. it's a bit of a rare sight, a more relaxed yin yu, his forearms bare (the black mark around his wrist more obvious), dressed in white instead of black. even the scrunchie in his hair comes off, so his dark hair falls in a neat curtain past his shoulders, scrunchie replaced to his wrist. like this he looks younger, a little less tired.
he sets his mask down on top of the pile, and turns to look over his shoulder. ]
[flayn looks politely away as he gets changed - he gave her privacy; she'll give him the same. (even if it is kind of tempting to look - but that's a temptation she's not going to think too much about. maybe she's been reading too much of the romance novel he got her.)
when he looks over his shoulder, she's still looking away.
but she's listening, too, and when she no longer hears the rustle of fabric being removed and folded, she glances back over hers.]
...um... my bunk is that one. [she points up to one of the top bunks] Is that okay?
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fishingforcompliments) wrote2020-06-06 12:53 pm
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she knows what she hopes he's going to do, and she's not disappointed. his lips on hers are soft and warm, and she grips the fabric of his robes to keep herself steady (because he really does make her weak at the knees) as she kisses him back.
it's warm and chaste and gentle.
flayn is well aware that yin yu has difficulty expressing himself and being close to others - so it means everything to her that he's willing to put himself within her reach, that he's willing to stay. over and over and over again, even though he has a tendency to hide, when it really matters...
...he's always stayed with her.]
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...but, he allows himself to do so. even if it's very new territory, in so many ways. with flayn - who has always been a hand reaching for him - it doesn't feel quite as scary. (even if the idea of ruining it terrifies him like an eventuality, that there is no way something this good in his life could possibly last.)
the kiss lingers, this time. he tries to put that gratitude into it. thank you, for seeing me, for thinking those things, even though they aren't true, i can't tell you how much it means to me, thank you. even though yin yu has no idea what he's doing (which is an odd, vaguely anxiety inducing feeling) he perseveres forward with it anyway, and pulls back a little slowly, heart racing, as he finally lifts the mask off proper. ]
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but she's smiling. she cannot stop smiling, and the look of pure, unvarnished affection on her face is so obvious as he pulls the mask away. she would absolutely want him to keep doing that, if he wanted to.
it's nice, to have someone reach out for her, instead of being the one who has to reach out of them.
words fail her, but she looks really happy about it.]
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yin yu doesn't quite wheeze, but he half laughs and drops his head, shaking it a little, an embarrassed laugh bubbling out of his chest. he's not so flustered that he's running away - in fact, he's barely moved from where he's still settled near flayn, and he's still even smiling a little - but he cannot look at her when she's making that face because it's like looking directly into the sun. ]
...sorry. [ he says, though, much like earlier in the day, it's not for the kiss itself. it's for the fact that he's a weenie, which becomes increasingly obvious by the second. (it was probably already obvious.) ducked in low to kiss her ,his head down, he has to look up a little to meet her eyes through his lashes, a bit sheepish, shy. ] I - am not very good at this.
[ haha. understatement! ]
[ 💦 ]
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[...he's got her heart fluttering, at least - that's something! ...and it's kind of nice to see that she's not the only one caught off-guard by how much this is, although she is a little worried, at times, that his being flustered will turn into embarrassment.]
But whether you are good at it or not does not really matter. You do not have to be good at this; all you have to be is you.
[because him - just him - is more than enough for her.]
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it's a good kind of embarrassed, anyway. a squirmy, butterflies in your stomach kind. it makes him want to smile about as much as it makes him want to run off and hide and that's a lot for him.
all you have to be is you, she says. who is he, anyway? how could that possibly even come to be anywhere near enough to someone like flayn? how lucky has he been to even stand in her orbit? to do something like this just feels so absurdly, wildly out of something like a dream. ] I...
[ he's too flustered to say anything along those lines. it feels too big, some chasm of self loathing he can't even fathom beginning to cross. still, yin yu gives her a smile, a little hesitant, but...genuine. ] - I'll do my best for you, my lady. [ eventually, is what he settles on. even though his best isn't nearly good enough. if yin yu could even begin to do something that would do right by this person in front of him, it would at least be a start. he's never done anything half assed in his entire life, and if someone is going to like him still, even though he's talentless, even though he's boring, even though he had a chance to be something and it fell apart, even though he's just bad -
gods willing - or not - he's going to try his best to do it right. ]
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...flayn appreciates that thought. she does. it brings a small smile to her face, and a flush of color to her cheeks. by now, after so many weeks with yin yu, she knows that - whether he believes it or not - his best will be exceptional.
she has no idea how she could have been lucky enough to attract the attention of someone like him, but she's grateful for it.]
I - I will do my best for you, too.
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...right. okay. yeah. he should probably pull away from her. he's still kind of hovering, leaned over for the kiss from before, still holding his mask, and... doesn't...move right away, brain skipping like a record, a little stupidly.
some of that flush blotches down the side of his neck, and he stumbles mentally over what he was going to say, because he needs to at least make sure she knows - ] If...ah. If I ever make you uncomfortable or anything...please don't hesitate to tell me.
[ he doesn't want to mess that up, either. inevitably, he will. eventually flayn will figure out that she's beyond him. one day she'll recognize just how far out of his league she really is. (she... she'll learn about the island, eventually, a small, dreadful parts of him reminds him. but she learned about quan yizhen, too, and even now, she stands here. arguably nothing will ever baffle him more than that.) ]
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[after all, she had been the one to start this in the first place. she's the one who seems to endlessly fluster him - she's never really been shy about expressing how she feels (though she can put it off until it seems like a better time), but he's more reserved, and while it means everything to her that he allows her this -
she wants him to allow it because he wants to, not because he feels like he has to. each time he reaches for her, first, it makes it a little easier for her to believe that he does.]
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he can't help but laugh, a little. ] I think it would be quite obvious.
[ IE: he'd run. he knows it. she knows it. yin yu is absolutely, clearly, aware of his own personality defects and that is one of them.
but! to assuage any worry, yin yu nods, finally straightening up a bit more. ] ...but I'll tell you, although I have yet to feel that way. [ just a little embarrassed! or a lot embarrassed. it's nothing he can't handle. (and...really, every time he's been embarrassed, it's ended. pretty well. so.
aaaaa.) ] I promise.
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...but they both know that, unless he told her to stay away, to not follow him, to get out of his sight - she would run after him. even if he's too fast for her to keep up, and even if she has to scour the whole camp to find him again.
so. being told if he just needed a little distance because she was a little too forward would be helpful.]
Thank you. [there's a beat.] ...I have yet to feel uncomfortable with you, too, you know. On the contrary, I... I feel very comfortable when I am with you.
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flayn has done so much for him. in terms of many of his other small relationships that he's started to build in camp - they probably wouldn't have existed without her gentle coaxing, all the way back at the island. she's pulled him out of his comfort zone, but never in a way he wasn't able to handle. never in a way that did anything bad; on the contrary, it seemed to just make things better. bit by bit, week by week, he's stepped slowly out of his reclusive shell.
...and now this. what a nice, strange change. ]
If you feel that I'm trustworthy in any sort of manner, then... that makes me quite happy, my lady. [ the corner of his mouth lifts a little higher, a loose butterfly in his chest like one of chengzhu's. ] And if there's as always anything I can do to help make you happy, I'll do so.
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[it goes beyond just finding him trustworthy. she could put her life into his hands without a moment's worry - he's already proven, again and again, that she can trust him. she just hopes that he trusts her, too.
...he at least trusts her with moments like this.
she smiles up at him.]
I will, too. I want you to be very happy. [if she can actually make him happy - that, in and of itself, is a miracle.] ...you deserve that.
speed tags cause i know you're on lunch
and he's not so sure that he deserves much of any of this, but. doesn't that make it more important? the warmth in his chest is cloying, but not unpleasant, and yin yu nods. he is happy. he just. he doesn't know how to say it, really. ]
[ eventually, he looks down between them, down at flayn's hands. the same ones that have held his now, over and over.
he admits, softly, honestly: ] I...have not been a very happy person. [ and he hasn't been for most of his life. flayn can probably figure that much out, from the memory she saw.
...in fact - and maybe he should've expected it - the memory sharing dips into effect. it's not a very long memory: only a few minutes.
the memory opens to just... nothing. standing in yin yu's shoes, you can't feel anything but despair, numbness. utter misery.
you looks down at your hands, holding a stick of incense, and you turn your wrist, the cursed shackle of your banishment still fresh and red against your skin. you stand in the shadow of a temple, beautiful, bright red, the curled roof gold, and then near you, a tiny altar, untouched, roof broken, barely up to your knee.
you are hungry. you are tired. you shouldn't have to feel these things but you haven't eaten in almost a week and you feel empty. you've never felt more despondent, as you stare at this tiny little shrine and feel no spiritual connection. no pulse to it. you should - the tiny shrine bears your name.
you sit down; you collapse. behind you, you can hear the angry rattling of a resentful spirit, shouting something unintelligible, and your heart squeezes, even though it feels like it's been wrung dry. jian yu haunts your footsteps, his resentment making him furious, gone. maybe he'll kill you. you hope so.
you close your eyes when you feel jian yu move, preparing yourself. you don't want to fight. you never wanted to fight.
and you hear a voice.
"Do you want to live?"
it's deeper than you're expecting. the question surprises you.
you look up, and the awesome amount of spiritual pressure behind you almost knocks you off of your feet. a man in red stands there; a silver wraith butterfly flits across your vision.
"--Crimson Rain Sought Flower," you say, stunned.
"Do you want to live?" he repeats. the ghost - the ghost king, the calamity - is holding jian yu by the throat.
you hesitate.
do you?
jian yu gurgles, angry, and his soul cries out for redemption. for a chance to reincarnate. to rest in peace. your heart aches.
slowly, you nod, and rise to your feet.
the memory flashes. it moves to a gravestone, in the same spot where that altar once was. it says jian yu, simple and plain, and your hands ache from hauling it here, from carving the characters into it. you put a lotus flower on the stone.
you stand up, and you walk forward.
the memory surprises yin yu. he breathes out, harshly, a whoosh of an exhale as an other piece of his life is stripped bare. he had more to say, but for the moment, it's surprised out of him. ]
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flayn sees the memory through his eyes. there is so much she doesn't understand - but this helps slot some things into place, just a little. perhaps it is selfish, but she can't help but be glad that he nodded yes, that he accepted a chance at life.
that hua chengzhu was there, and ensured that he could have it.
(if she ever meets him, she will have to thank him.)
she stares up at him as he breathes out, and reaches for his hands to hold onto them tightly.
please don't run, she thinks.]
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his hands squeeze tight in flayn's, more surprised than anything else, and...after a moment, yin yu's thumbs stroke once over the top of her hands. he shakes his head, letting out a humorless chuff of a laugh. ]
...I suppose that explains that better than I could have. [ he says, a little darkly. he hates this memory share thing, actually, with a lot of his heart. ]
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but she can, at least, try to do something to give him a happier future.
after a moment, she lets go of his hand - but only so she can wrap her arms around him and hold him close.]
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it shouldn't surprise him because he knows flayn, and he knows her warmth and her kindness. he even knows that it's been directed on him. but... his breath still catches, just quietly enough that she'll hear.
...and after a slow moment, some of the tension melts out of his shoulders. he exhales the held breath a little shakily, and bows over her, slowly returning the favor. i like it when you hold me, she'd said, earlier.
yin yu likes it, too.
he gives a small squeeze, nestles his nose in her hair, and just closes his eyes for a long moment. inhaling in and out, he takes a moment for calm. to find his still water, here, fingers curling against the back of his robes on her back.
it takes a long moment for him to speak, to settle. and then, if flayn's not paying attention, she might not hear it, but. muffled into her hair, he says - ]
...you make me happy. [ quiet, so quiet. and then, again, a squeeze. it aches, like a weight in his chest he's never taken off. ] ...I'm happy.
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flayn isn't sure when it happened, but yin yu has become someone she is acutely aware of - or perhaps it is more accurate to say that she has become someone who is acutely aware of him. she knows when he's near, because his mere presence brings her peace.
she listens when he talks, because his every word is so important.
hearing this makes her heart feel so full it might burst. he doesn't speak carelessly, so if he says it - he must mean it, right? ...if she's able to make him happy, if she's been able to do him even a little bit of good, then...]
You make me happy, too.
[...then maybe it isn't so selfish to want to stay by his side. maybe it isn't so selfish of her to reach out for the happiness that he brings her, despite the misery all around him.
maybe she doesn't have to wait until this is over after all.]
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he'd gone from feeling too much - entirely too much - to nothing, and had preferred it that way. even the tragedies on the island were buried down. he'd live with his guilt as he always had, as his bedfellow, as his shadow, and never tried to make friends or speak to others, or find joy in the presence of others, because those were things that he just couldn't have. but slowly, day after day, the little courtesies of trying to do a job well began to stack, and slowly, some of his walls had started to come down. and now...
and now, the sweet, strong warmth of happiness has started to bleed through. in all of the tragedies and traumas of this place, there is something to hold onto. what sort of an irony, that it took a forced competition of death and murder for yin yu to find a tiny sliver of light.
his fingers curl in the fabric, a little tighter, when flayn speaks, his arms just a little more secure around her. it's a minute gesture, but it's there. that means a lot to him. (yin yu is not sure when flayn is going to realize he's not worth her attention, but... a part of him so desperately wants that time never to come. even someone like him, worthless, presenceless, servant, banished god, half a person, shown by force how little he was worth, still wants to be loved.)
so of course, he means it. that surprises him, even a little. they could stand here for hours, maybe, but he doesn't want to inconvenience flayn, but... he doesn't want to let go, either. how silly and selfish. ]
I will endeavor to do so as long as I can. [ yin yu murmurs into her hair, quiet. a resolute promise to himself. whatever it takes, whatever he has to do to protect her. to keep the kind light of hers shining. if he can support her, he will do it with his entire self. ]
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she could get used to his arms around her, though. she hopes that they'll have enough time together for her to.]
Just do not leave me. [her voice comes out in a whisper.] Promise you will stay near. That will make me happy.
[...she's outlived many people she cares about - her mother, and everyone else she had known from before her thousand-year-long nap except for her father and her aunt. she will outlive most everyone she knows from the monastery, too.
being left scares her most of all.
it's a terrible thing, to be left behind.]
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in this place, there are no guarantees. he knows, if push were to come to shove, he would put himself on the line for her in a heartbeat, over and over. if only one of them could come out of this alive, it had to be flayn. he is no one, nothing, he is -
... to her, yin yu is someone. and it's a heavy thing to consider, the thought of being.
his arms squeeze a little tighter around her, holding her a little closer. a little more resolve. yin yu doesn't want it to go that way. he hasn't performed in any of these foolish games; he doesn't want to take the life of another person. but even so, he'd considered himself something of a sacrificial piece, ready to die in the line of duty.
but there's something on the line, now. there's someone who cares about him, who wants to stay by his side, and he wants to protect it. in this dangerous place, he wants flayn to be safe.
(he wants... maybe, yin yu can keep them safe. maybe.)
his cheek tucks against the top of her head, and he speaks with weight. trying to be reassuring, comforting. ] ...I will do everything I can. [ mindful of the place that they're in, but resolved, all the same. i don't want to leave you. ] That I can promise.
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if yin yu makes a promise, then flayn knows he will do everything in his power to keep it. she has never once doubted that he is a man of his word, and he is not the type to make promises lightly. he wouldn't promise to try if he had any intention of laying down his life and leaving her behind.
so... he will be okay. he's strong, and capable, and if she can manage to survive this place, certainly he can, too.]
Thank you. [there's a beat, during which she takes a breath, and then she gives him a light squeeze.] ...come to bed with me, okay? We should... probably both get some rest.
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yin yu pulls back too, loosening his fingers and letting his arms drop back to his side. he nods, glancing back, and then steps out of her way. it lets him deal with the emotional load of the moment, take a deep breath to calm his heart back to stillness.
...he also needs to change, so.
that gives him a minute to do so. yin yu is much more efficient at dealing with the various layers of his ancient china robes, so it doesn't take too long, but. methodical and careful, he folds each one nicely, back to flayn as he sets them aside. it's a bit of a rare sight, a more relaxed yin yu, his forearms bare (the black mark around his wrist more obvious), dressed in white instead of black. even the scrunchie in his hair comes off, so his dark hair falls in a neat curtain past his shoulders, scrunchie replaced to his wrist. like this he looks younger, a little less tired.
he sets his mask down on top of the pile, and turns to look over his shoulder. ]
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when he looks over his shoulder, she's still looking away.
but she's listening, too, and when she no longer hears the rustle of fabric being removed and folded, she glances back over hers.]
...um... my bunk is that one. [she points up to one of the top bunks] Is that okay?
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