fishingforcompliments | [not again] catchall for ash

[i am so fucking glad i literally just sent a tag involving emotionshare to someone twenty minutes ago so i can just copypaste it with some tweaking.

there's a deep, pervading sense of loss that cuts sharp and deep, as it's settled in. yin yu isn't coming back. zenitsu isn't coming back. none of them are coming back. she's furious - and there's an intense feeling of self-loathing, and a twinge of guilt.

how could yin yu be dead, when he's so capable? why is it that she managed to survive when he didn't? it isn't fair. it isn't fair at all.

(survivor's guilt is a hell of a drug).

there's fear, too - a very specific kind of fear, like she's afraid of being left behind, of losing someone else important. and dread. what the hell is going to happen tomorrow? to have killed yin yu, yasusada must be terribly strong. and the chances of someone she cares about being forced into the execution ring are so high.

there are few people she doesn't care about in some way left alive, if any. no matter who faces him, she's going to be terrified for them tomorrow.

--and then there'll be a stirring of guilt, as she realizes that she's just made someone else feel all of this.]

—ah - I am sorry...

[ britt: writes a beautiful and in depth introspective piece about the warring emotions within flayn’s heart and her deepest hopes and fears
me: (ash but in a bruce banner voice) angy ]

It’s fine, we’ve had a week to get used to it.

[ in fact he’s just gonna pat the immortal ancient lady on the head, like that’s any comfort right now. that tiredness is deeper now — like someone who’s just had enough but doesn’t know how to get out of that loop. it’s not a new feeling, it’s more like a two, two and half month feeling that’s just been growing more.

but it’s definitely angry, although that anger is old and festering and splintered in ways that aren’t clear or defined even to the owner themselves. it’s a really deep, endless sort of anger that’s always boiling away and bubbles up to the surface in blasts. ]

You couldn’t do shit about what happened to your masked friend. Whether that’s a comfort or not I dunno, but it’s the truth. Better to focus on figuring out who got the others and what’s going on here, than wallowing in shit you couldn't do.

I know...

[she's.

trying. she'd tried to ignore her feelings during the trial, had tried to avoid touching other people there specifically to avoid people worrying over her emotional state while they had murders to solve. now they still have murders to solve, and she doesn't know what to do with herself.

she wishes she could just turn her feelings off, but she doesn't know how.

and what can they possibly investigate now that the trial is over? the evidence is gone, and the chances of them finding something to truly confirm anyone's guilt are slim.

frustration crosses her face there - that's defeatist thinking, and it won't do them any good.]

I am trying. But...

[it won't stop.]

[ ... ]

[ man how do you deal with people in this state? ]

Getting mad at yourself for feeling's a waste of time. Feel whatever you want, just put that towards getting yourself into gear.

Guilty? Try and get a heads up on what's going on so we might be able to stop crap like this again. Angry? Get mad. Use it to drag information out of people, or the directors.

[ he's not a pep talk kind of guy, someone help. ]

Better than beating yourself up.

[you don't. you walk away and wait for them to either snap out of it or go into shock after being made to kill a sword at execution.]

...

Is that how you keep moving forward, Ash...?