[it's hard, wanting to be there for someone, but not knowing how to be.
flayn had heard him, during the execution. she'd heard him and the others calling out for her, but in that moment before yasusada had been struck by the hail, with his hands around her neck, she'd been about ready to accept it.
do not blame him, she'd tried to say - although if it had been dimitri's neck yasusada's hands were around, she wouldn't have been able to forgive him.]
...Dimitri. [she looks down, brushing some bits of ice from the hail out of her hair.] I am sorry. I... the fight...
You fought [ valiantly? is that really the word? was there anything bright and chivalrous about the executions? ] well.
[ he's known her skill with a lance, but he hadn't expected her hand-to-hand to be so solid. he's not really here to praise her martial skills, though. no one should know what it's like to take a man's life with your bare hands.
it'd be easier to talk about that that, though. that's what they do in faerghus—they crow about how strong and how brave people are. if he were talking about that, then maybe his voice wouldn't wobble as much as it does. ]
[did she fight well? she isn't sure she can say that she can. it had been luck, and only luck, that had put yasusada's head right in the path of that hailstone. if they hadn't been exactly where they were, if it hadn't fallen exactly where it had...]
I swore to you that I would make it through this. I... almost broke that promise, this weekend. [...] For that, I am sorry.
[ she fought well in that she fought her hardest. whatever happened, she came through the victory.
in the end, that's what counts. ]
If our promise can give you strength, that's all that matters to me.
[ it was never realistic to say that they'd both survive this. but if it's enough to believe that they can, if it's enough motivation to try—then he will keep making that promise, foolishly and recklessly. ]
I should thank you for keeping your oath to me. I know... I know it isn't easy.
[that much she can absolutely admit. dimitri knows, though. he... understands that. flayn looks down at their feet for a few long moments.
she wishes he didn't. if there was any justice in the world, his life would have been peaceful. he never would have had to know terror or bloodshed or loss - but that isn't the sort of land they hail from.
and it's not the sort of place this summer camp is, or that the island was.]
I thought... [her voice trails off] ...I thought I would feel... something, having avenged Yin Yu. But I just feel numb.
[ the truth of it is that even if they were home, they have so much bloodshed to face. from her memory, it's clear she's known war. she's already known so much pain. but there's something so... twisted and deliberately painful about this place that it's impossible to be numb to it.
not that either of them seem the type to be cold to anything. dimitri goes up to one of the horses—usually he'd show up with an apple, but instead he'll have to settle for brushing them. ]
Is that so...
[ he really doesn't know what to feel about that. something very core to him rattles, slightly. ]
I suppose revenge is not for our sake, but for the dead. [ ... ] I did hope it would bring you some peace, though.
[that's a sobering thought. she doesn't think that yin yu would have wanted to see anyone dead - not really. not like that. not in a miserable place like this.
she knows who he is, as a person. when he'd had the chance to take yasusada's life that night - he hadn't. and he'd strung him to the person that having an association with would be most likely to keep him safe.
so...]
If what Lili said was true, Yin Yu may have wanted him to live. ...and if that is the case, then I failed him.
[ yin yu always seemed a good and gentle soul to him, but he's sure he fought back against yasusada. he had something to live for. ]
I have to wonder about that myself.
[ maybe it's because he didn't care to watch yasusada try and kill two people he cared about, but... even during trial, he hadn't thought of it that way. ]
I wonder if he hadn't tied Yasusada to Lili because he wanted him to live, but because he had faith in her figuring everything out as quickly as possible. She would also be a good candidate to escape his curse, considering how well-connected she is. I truly doubt he would've placed it on her if he thought she couldn't get rid of it.
[ ... ]
But consider, Flayn. He didn't put the curse on you. [ even if it was unlikely that anything would happen, even if flayn was just as capable as lili, yin yu didn't take that risk. ] So do you truly think he would truly have wanted his killer to live, when you were the executioner? I do not think you disappointed him.
[ if anything... he thinks this is the outcome he would've wanted. ]
[flayn agrees with him, to a point - surely he must not have believed there to be much risk of something happening to lili. he ever would have put her into harm's way on purpose. whether that means he wanted yasusada to live or not, though...
...well, she isn't sure.
she doesn't think they'll ever be sure.]
I... suppose not. Or, at least, I hope not. [her voice sounds a little shaky.] I am very tired... of letting down the people I care for.
[ at that, his shoulders sag a little. should he say they haven't been letting anyone down? it's not her fault, but he understands how she feels. everyone in camp must feel that way, by now. ]
...As am I.
[ he's letting her down as well, flimsy support as he is. ]
There is no way to feel as though we are not failing, while this game continues. We just have to press on until the end.
[ if they can believe that there's hope in store for them, some glimmer of a way to save them all—that's what they have to believe in. ]
[ ...She's so worn, lately. Aren't they all? Still, it's hard to know how to help her, when it only gets worse week by week. ]
I know.
[ Will it be over soon, at least? ]
If you need a moment to grieve and recover, you can take it, Flayn.
[ It might not be over yet—they may have a ways to go—but she doesn't have to be stalwart the entire time. They're all only human. ] It is not only on you to save everyone.
[ They all have to carry the responsibility of failure—he's very aware of how crushing it is, otherwise. ]
...I know it is not. We all— everyone is working hard to find a way out of this.
[Flayn is quiet for a few moments longer, her expression contorting with slight frustration as she struggles to find the words she wants to say. Eventually, she manages with—]
I suppose, sometimes, it... I feel as though I am more of a hindrance to those efforts, than a help. And I do not know what to do about it.
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fishingforcompliments) wrote2020-06-06 10:49 pm
no subject
flayn had heard him, during the execution. she'd heard him and the others calling out for her, but in that moment before yasusada had been struck by the hail, with his hands around her neck, she'd been about ready to accept it.
do not blame him, she'd tried to say - although if it had been dimitri's neck yasusada's hands were around, she wouldn't have been able to forgive him.]
...Dimitri. [she looks down, brushing some bits of ice from the hail out of her hair.] I am sorry. I... the fight...
no subject
You fought [ valiantly? is that really the word? was there anything bright and chivalrous about the executions? ] well.
[ he's known her skill with a lance, but he hadn't expected her hand-to-hand to be so solid. he's not really here to praise her martial skills, though. no one should know what it's like to take a man's life with your bare hands.
it'd be easier to talk about that that, though. that's what they do in faerghus—they crow about how strong and how brave people are. if he were talking about that, then maybe his voice wouldn't wobble as much as it does. ]
Thank you... for not giving up.
no subject
[did she fight well? she isn't sure she can say that she can. it had been luck, and only luck, that had put yasusada's head right in the path of that hailstone. if they hadn't been exactly where they were, if it hadn't fallen exactly where it had...]
I swore to you that I would make it through this. I... almost broke that promise, this weekend. [...] For that, I am sorry.
no subject
in the end, that's what counts. ]
If our promise can give you strength, that's all that matters to me.
[ it was never realistic to say that they'd both survive this. but if it's enough to believe that they can, if it's enough motivation to try—then he will keep making that promise, foolishly and recklessly. ]
I should thank you for keeping your oath to me. I know... I know it isn't easy.
[ to live by taking someone else's life. ]
no subject
[that much she can absolutely admit. dimitri knows, though. he... understands that. flayn looks down at their feet for a few long moments.
she wishes he didn't. if there was any justice in the world, his life would have been peaceful. he never would have had to know terror or bloodshed or loss - but that isn't the sort of land they hail from.
and it's not the sort of place this summer camp is, or that the island was.]
I thought... [her voice trails off] ...I thought I would feel... something, having avenged Yin Yu. But I just feel numb.
no subject
not that either of them seem the type to be cold to anything. dimitri goes up to one of the horses—usually he'd show up with an apple, but instead he'll have to settle for brushing them. ]
Is that so...
[ he really doesn't know what to feel about that. something very core to him rattles, slightly. ]
I suppose revenge is not for our sake, but for the dead. [ ... ] I did hope it would bring you some peace, though.
no subject
[that's a sobering thought. she doesn't think that yin yu would have wanted to see anyone dead - not really. not like that. not in a miserable place like this.
she knows who he is, as a person. when he'd had the chance to take yasusada's life that night - he hadn't. and he'd strung him to the person that having an association with would be most likely to keep him safe.
so...]
If what Lili said was true, Yin Yu may have wanted him to live. ...and if that is the case, then I failed him.
no subject
I have to wonder about that myself.
[ maybe it's because he didn't care to watch yasusada try and kill two people he cared about, but... even during trial, he hadn't thought of it that way. ]
I wonder if he hadn't tied Yasusada to Lili because he wanted him to live, but because he had faith in her figuring everything out as quickly as possible. She would also be a good candidate to escape his curse, considering how well-connected she is. I truly doubt he would've placed it on her if he thought she couldn't get rid of it.
[ ... ]
But consider, Flayn. He didn't put the curse on you. [ even if it was unlikely that anything would happen, even if flayn was just as capable as lili, yin yu didn't take that risk. ] So do you truly think he would truly have wanted his killer to live, when you were the executioner? I do not think you disappointed him.
[ if anything... he thinks this is the outcome he would've wanted. ]
no subject
...well, she isn't sure.
she doesn't think they'll ever be sure.]
I... suppose not. Or, at least, I hope not. [her voice sounds a little shaky.] I am very tired... of letting down the people I care for.
no subject
...As am I.
[ he's letting her down as well, flimsy support as he is. ]
There is no way to feel as though we are not failing, while this game continues. We just have to press on until the end.
[ if they can believe that there's hope in store for them, some glimmer of a way to save them all—that's what they have to believe in. ]
no subject
I just want this to be over.
[she is so tired. none of them will know peace until this is done - but she doesn't know how to make it be done. not yet.]
no subject
I know.
[ Will it be over soon, at least? ]
If you need a moment to grieve and recover, you can take it, Flayn.
[ It might not be over yet—they may have a ways to go—but she doesn't have to be stalwart the entire time. They're all only human. ] It is not only on you to save everyone.
[ They all have to carry the responsibility of failure—he's very aware of how crushing it is, otherwise. ]
no subject
[Flayn is quiet for a few moments longer, her expression contorting with slight frustration as she struggles to find the words she wants to say. Eventually, she manages with—]
I suppose, sometimes, it... I feel as though I am more of a hindrance to those efforts, than a help. And I do not know what to do about it.